A Bold and Bright Dinner Party
In August I turn 45, and while the number itself doesn’t freak me out, I’m not super psyched about it either. As of late I’ve been feeling kind of off – a little lower in mood than normal and certainly tired to the bone. While I can chalk it up to the effects of the stress of a busy life with young kids and running a small business affords me, I think it’s also aging as well. The hot button word of the year seems to be “perimenopause”, and even though I’m sure that has something to do with it biologically, it feels more like a more emotional process I am going through. One in which I try to accept that I am in fact, getting older, and, with that, my place in the world is changing and how others view me and how I view myself is shifting too. In some ways for better, in others not so much.
You could not PAY me to be in my 20’s again. Or my 30’s for that matter. Both decades were really brutal for me in which I did not have a lot of fun. To my shock, the beginning of my 40’s is when I felt most vital and alive, but that has been dwindling the past 2 years. Now I feel as though I am in a kind of no man’s land- not old, but not young. Some days full of energy and determination, others fighting off a desire to burn it all down and run away (or to be less dramatic, to just curl up and REST).
I have been in therapy a very long time and have done a LOT of hard work – especially the last 3-4 years. What has been obvious to some (my husband) literally just dawned on me as of recent – I’m not sure I know how to happy. I sure know how to be productive. I’m damn good at trying to be perfect. I know how to please others like the back of my hand. But do I know how to find joy within my own self? Ehhhhhhh, I’m not so sure.
Yes, I have moments of feeling happy- out laughing with friends, cuddling with my kids, a perfect beach day. But the “letting go” that is involved in truly being happy is really hard for me. Fighting the desire to be the best at something/everything and instead just ENJOY being is a real challenge for me. I’ve been living very much with a white knuckle grasp on the things I know make me “good” and am left feeling, well… exhausted. This can’t be all there is.
I am a very blessed, lucky lady- no doubt about that. I SHOULD be happy, of course. And I have to be okay saying this out loud and not worrying that people will paint me as ungrateful (although, admittedly, I certainly can be). So I am, because I think it’s a hard thing to admit. Many of us should, by all accounts, be very happy- but we aren’t. Maybe it IS the hormones. Maybe it’s the culture of the grind. Maybe it’s social media and its brain rotting comparison game. Or maybe we just aren’t being honest with ourselves.
So I’ve decided to celebrate 45 this summer. Not a banner year for a big party, but rather a bright, happy, FUN dinner with my best girls on my back porch. No pressure, just FUN. This is the year I want to really focus on that aspect of life instead of hitting some obtuse milestone of follower count, public accolades or rock hard abs. I want to feel better in my body, but also pay less attention to every inch of it. I want to lean into days off, free time and loose schedules instead of regimented days in which I can’t help but feel there is MORE I should be doing.
I have worked hard, and will continue to do so. I know no other way than to stay busy and hungry. And I will talk to the doctors I have more about some methods to fight off the inevitable drop in hormones that exacerbate how I’m feeling. But I also want to try harder to enjoy life as it is, not put off happiness until I reach XYZ goal or date or age. The time is now, because as I was reminded last month, the future is not guaranteed.
This is a very long winded way of saying I’m planning a dinner! :) A pretty one full of bold color and feminine details and I felt like mood-boarding it so I did! Some version of this will happen, probably not all of these things- it doesn’t have to be perfect (although I do truly delight in pretty things). We could order pizza for all I care, I just want to create a moment to sit and enjoy my friends, my gorgeous yard and a summer night – I prefer entertaining at home to going out lately, so this is what I’ll do.
So here’s the look that to me says “happy birthday you 45 year old nutjob”! Cheers!
All images linked except the flowers (here), cake (here) and rechargable lamps and shades (here).
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This really resonated. Thank you.
I so appreciate your honesty in your posts about your life. I’ve got 20+ years on you, and I do recall the slippery slope to 50, and the fluctuating hormone levels that made me wonder, WTF?!
In the years since, I’ve done a lot of reading and learned the importance of being a watchful observer of my thoughts and the stories I tell myself – which aren’t always helpful or true. Bottom line, it’s not the events in our life that create emotional pain, it’s the thoughts we tell ourselves about those events.
So, a couple of suggestions that may help you on your journey:
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle (especially the info about our emotional pain-bodies), and The Untethered Life by Michael Singer ( or his other book, Living Untethered).
I wish I had discovered these books and their wisdom years ago. Hopefully, they’ll resonate with you and provide new insights.
Enjoy your birthday bash!
Happy birthday! I just turned 40 but everything you said resonated with me. Maybe it is the hormones (I’m having those checked). But maybe we’re so busy doing all the things and being productive that we don’t even have the time to stop and think about what gives us true joy.
I just read Untamed by Glenon Doyle and it was a wake up call to how most women are not trully free. One of her suggestions to star having fun is to think about what you loved doing as a child or something that YOU always wanted to do but never had the chance. Leaning a new language? Rollerskating? Tango lessons? Pottery? Music lessons? No busy mom has the time for that when the kids are super little but maybe soon enough you’ll get the chance, if it feels right.
Hope you have an amazing birthday party!
Happy birthday dear Erin- you are 45 YEARS YOUNG! from a fan who has several decades on you. When I was your age, I, too, was a perfectionist, people pleaser, workaholic. What I know now is that it’s the journey- the wonderful people you meet, the adventures you have, the unexpected joys— not the destination, that matters. Find out what really, really matters and let the rest go, damn what anyone thinks. Wear the skinny jeans when everyone is touting wide, eat the mega- carb chocolate cake, skip the spin class and string bead bracelets with your daughter. Like the greeting card says, “ Give everything and have no regrets. Life is too short not to be happy.”
So have a blast on your birthday and look forward to all the amazing ones to come!
Turning 43 this summer and wow, you found the words I could not to describe how I’ve been feeling lately: “it feels more like a more emotional process I am going through. One in which I try to accept that I am in fact, getting older, and, with that, my place in the world is changing and how others view me and how I view myself is shifting too. In some ways for better, in others not so much.” I’ve found myself startled recently when I look at pictures of myself- wow, she really looks like a MOM. Which I am, and which I love! But it definitely feels like I’ve abruptly arrived in that “no man’s land” of not old and not young and I’m just trying to adjust. Thank you for articulating these feelings perfectly and you are definitely not alone!
Thank you for this post and for all of your posts, I (and so many others) can relate entirely. I always appreciate your honest perspective and just wanted to say: thank you. And Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday dear Erin- you are 45 years YOUNG! -from someone with several decades on you. Like you, I too was a perfectionist, a people pleaser, an over achiever. Looking back, I realize that it was the journey- the wonderful people I met, the adventures I had, the amazing surprises and the creative ways to overcome obstacles – that was more important than the destination. Some of my fondest memories are of the little moments – like sneaking off on a London business trip to wander through Regent’s Park and sit on the grass in the sunshine and feel total peace. The older you get, the less you care about what anyone else thinks! Wear the skinny jeans ( when everyone else is swanning around in wide pants), eat the carb- laden chocolate cake, skip spin class and string bead bracelets with your daughter. As the greeting card says, “ Give everything and have no regrets. Life is too short, not to be happy. “ So have a wonderful party and celebrate 45 and all the joyous years to come!
Sabrina
Happy happy birthday! you deserve all of the joy. I can relate to everything you say and am so grateful for your honesty.
As always, I appreciate your honesty. I just turned 43, and love being in my 40s. And while I believe I’m genuinely happy most of the time, I really relate to your thoughts about leaning into fun and away from perfection and comparison. I’m tired of trying to fit my body into a specific mold, although I still want to respect it and make it strong. It feels like the societal pressures today are completely unachievable. Thanks for sharing!
Erin – it feels like you have read my mind. I can’t recall a time in my life that I have ever been truly content even with all that I’ve been blessed with. And I have no idea on how to get to that place in my mind. You beautifullly articulate how I feel and I appreciate you sharing so I am reminded I’m not the only one that struggles with this. I am also in the perimenopause phase and feel the women of our generation are going to be the ones that give voice to all that comes with it. Cheers to 45!
I’m two months younger than you, ands I hear you. sister! “I’ll be happy when…” is such an unhealthy mindset, but I’m not sure I know how to think any other way or be happy now either — other than fleeting moments, just as you said. Hugs!
Get with your MD for hormone replacement therapy, it made a world of difference for me – hopefully you will enjoy the benefits as well.
Thank you for always being so open and honest.
Your blog is always a bright spot in my day.
You are always so open, raw really and I know that your faithful followers admire you for this.
You’ve hit so many “hot” buttons here… but know YOU are not alone. It’s a struggle. And… you’re doing GREAT! Thank you for ALWAYS being honest with us!
Hey Erin, Thought of you (sort of!) when I saw this today. I know it’s all relative, but this might help us put it into perspective a bit. Enjoy 45 and have a Happy Birthday!
People Over 80 Reveal The Worries They Regret Having When They Were Young rb.gy/jwzv11
Hey Erin,
I saw this today and thought of you….sort of. :) It may or may not help, and I know everything is relative, but might help us put things in perspective a bit. Enjoy 45! And Happy Birthday. rb.gy/jwzv11 “People over 80 reveal the worries they regret having when they were young”
This is so poignant Erin- thank you for sharing your experience of having it all and still struggling to find contentment in this wild weird modern world we live in.
My husband and I have had this conversation recently and answering the question of how to find joy is a huge part of my own work and process and it’s still elusive!
I think the pandemic also refocused values for many of us and changed forever what is truly important.
Happiest of bdays (agree it’s such a mindf*ck) and I hope you find your joy and brain can take a little break. Big hugs!
I am exactly 5 years ahead of you and I know what you are going through. These years are so rough and wonderful and everything in between. Only now learning there are two distinct stages of perimenopause- early and late- with different symptoms (mood swings, irritability in first phase, joint pain in second- so much joint pain…to mention a few). You are not alone! I loved reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s essay in the Oldster substack and highly recommend (no need to subscribe, just hit continue reading if you are new to Substacks like this oldster was : )
I’m turning 75 in a few months. I’m very happy with my life and would not wish myself back to my 30s or 40s. Now, if I could keep my brain, my life, my marriage and my achievements (even my grey hair and wrinkles) but just have my younger body (say 25 years?), oh yeah, in a New York minute! I’ve had a few injuries along the way I could do without.
But truly, I’m happy with me right now!
This!
https://housecall.substack.com/p/why-are-we-trying-so-hard-the-ways
I follow you and I recently turned 71. I’ll never live as grand as you (and not as talented as you) but you are aside from all that, seem like a mom who adores her kids. You care about the right things. Keep doing you.
The rollercoaster that is the female body in your 40s is exhausting, especially when the overwhelming feels are sad (versus angry or anxious). Thank you for sharing that it’s okay not to be okay. Hopefully you’ll be on the upswing soon. I’m sure you follow her, but Dr. Mary Claire Haver (on IG) has made it her mission to help women through this phase and the next. Good luck and feel better soon.
Great post, Erin! I think as women we spend so much time focused on other people (being a daughter, friend, bridesmaid, business owner, wife, mom, etc) that although we continue to evolve…we don’t know what makes us happy because of that evolution. Having the realization that I didn’t really know what made me happy anymore (those big nights out were not it, or became too hard to plan with everyone’s schedules that they rarely happened. I needed more, frequent pops of joy)One summer I decided to make note of every little thing that made me smile + it gave me the answers( big + small) of what makes me happy + now I lean into those. Happy early birthday!
Love that you are making celebrating a priority! Something we don’t do enough. I think it’s worth noting that the society we live in, while espousing the values of self-love and contentment, is often actively working against us getting to those feelings. Comparisons, to ourselves, others, an imagined ideal of ourselves, are what keep us spending money and engaging with a lot of industries that drive the economy. Not that we shouldn’t enjoy these things, but I think we should give ourselves credit that when it comes to being happy in the present moment we’re essentially “swimming upstream.”
What a beautiful essay. You put into words what I have a hard time articulating. I love how honest you are. Don’t let any trolls bring you down. Have a great party and birthday in August!
This is as good as it gets! There will be no day, month or year when anyone is all set and it’s smooth sailing. Instead I try and find pockets of happiness and laughter. And always count your blessings 💝
I love the honesty and actually chuckled out loud at “this is a very long winded way of saying I’m planning a dinner!” ha! The honesty resonates as always. You’ve earned it, enjoy and happy birthday!