As of late I have been feeling…unmoored. If I’m being honest, it’s been longer than that, but the past month has sort of frayed the rope with which I was bound (although at times tentatively) to my deep belief that things will just work out. There are so many horrible things going on in the world to fear- war, guns, climate change, never-ending COVID, sexism, racism, astronomical gas prices and supply chain crises, the demise of a somewhat decent society (and certainly government). And this would be enough to drive anyone mad with worry and pessimism. But for women and mothers, I think we feel this doubly. And for those of us with anxiety? It’s just TOO much- truly and deeply.
IT’S. TOO. DAMN. MUCH.
It’s exhausting to think about what we have to do to fix this (all the things??), and if a fix is even possible. I for one am so irate about the gun issue after the Ulvade shooting (and all the other shootings), and have tried to throw what energy and voice I have behind the cause because, in my opinion, it’s my duty to do so as a “public figure”. And while it feels really good to make an impact through donations and fundraising, events and making calls- it’s also a lot to take on as a person, a mother and a boss. And I for one, am already full to the brim with responsibilities, pressure and unchecked to do lists. My cup is actively running over. And it’s not just time wise- it’s also emotionally and mentally. I think we’re probably all on the brink of a national burnout. I know I am (and I am quite privileged on many fronts, so I know it’s much worse for so many).
For me, the combination of motherhood, marriage, work and the world has left very little breathing room in my life at a time when I really need to take a breath. I’ve been talking to my therapist a lot lately, as these feelings have intensified, and while our 40’s is an amazing time to be a woman, it’s also a time of a lot of change, self-awakening and coming to grips with what you want (or for some, figuring out what exactly it IS you want to begin with). But it’s hard to do that when you feel like the world is imploding around you and you don’t have time to fully fold ALL your laundry never mind decipher your life goals. It’s a bit easier to stuff it down, walk away and say “another day” or “another year”. But as we’ve seen so acutely in recent weeks, those years aren’t a guarantee.
It’s also hard to feel such self-reflection is justified during such hard times- it’s feels indulgent and selfish. As women I think we are taught that our whole lives- we should put others first, always, as dutiful daughters, giving mothers and non-threatening co-workers and bosses. I for one, am a brutal “people pleaser”. I’ve been that way my whole life- always chasing approval of others and basing all my self-worth on what others think of me, outside applause and accountable achievements. While my work ethic and desire to please has made me successful, it also has made me unable to see and enjoy that success. A double edged sword, if you will. I honestly didn’t know there was any other way of going through life than to be constantly chasing someone else’s definition of perfection. And while I have certainly done some things for myself and created an amazing life that is wildly beyond anything I could have ever imagined, most of my choices were made”under the influence” in one way or another. And this realization has rocked me a bit.
This is the first time I’ve had the headspace to reckon with this behavior now that I’m done with child bearing. The 7-8 years I spent going through fertility treatments (3 rounds of IVF, 8 pregnancies, 6 losses, 2 full term births and post-partum depression) did more of a number on me than I realized. But I am finally at a place where I can start to focus on me and sift through what I’ve been through. And that’s not to say I have not been wildly selfish about some things, I have, without argument. But the overarching theme of my existence has been pleasing everyone else. Even you- complete strangers on the internet- I’ve craved your approval more than my own. I never really have asked myself “what will make ME deeply happy” because honestly, I don’t think I have any idea. I’m not entirely sure I know how to be happy. And if there is one thing I want to teach my kids, it’s how to be HAPPY. Because without it, the rest is kind of pointless.
So this summer, my goal (beyond getting common sense gun laws passed -DUH) is to take a breather. Sit with myself, not in pursuit of anything but the truth about what I really want in this life, both big picture and small. I miss a lot of the little things by being to focused on the “big things”- and I think the little things is where the magic is at. In order to do that, I need to feel the ability to step away from work here and there. I’m talking taking a day off every couple weeks this summer with no agenda other than doing whatever it is that will make me feel restored (not like a sabbatical or anything)! To do that I’m doing all the “yucky” work I tend to avoid which is a deep dive into the financials, operations and assessing how to best move forward with my business in a way that can allow me to do more of what I love and less of the stuff that is not a good use of my time. I really hate talking about money, but I have to put on my business owner pants and deal with it. The only way out is through.
The other thing I have to work on is feeling less guilt. About things I’m not doing and doing. Guilt ruins everything- if I take some time off, I should ENJOY it, not fret it away by feeling BAD that I’m not working 24/7 (which you pretty much have to do when you run a business/ brand with your name on it). And the mom guilt- oh it’s a doozy! Yes, maybe I missed Field Day last week at Henry’s School- but my job is allowing me to take him to a really special night at Fenway Park next month for his first Red Sox game in style! No, I can’t take Emma to music class every week, but I sure can model what a hard working woman can accomplish. Letting go of what I think my life “should” look like or be is the ultimate goal here. For me and for those around me. I’m of no use to anyone who counts on me if I’m drowning. And I’m not performing at MY personal best if I’m constantly comparing myself to everyone else and trying to find joy in what brings THEM joy instead of defining it for myself . So turning my gaze inward is actually less selfish than it may seem.
Basically it comes down to making room for more “fun” and enjoying the hell out of this one life I have. Creating clear definitions of what I have to do but leave room for things I WANT to do too- on all fronts. I’ve always been super responsible (fine- some would say “uptight” LOL) and now, at almost 43 I want to be more fun. More joyful. More open to things. I feel younger and better than I have in a decade- I feel like it’s TIME. Even though the world is literally imploding and everything is scary and sad…
Because if not now, when?
P.S. Also, if you are feeling like I am, I highly recommend listening to Glennon Doyle’s podcast about “Overwhelm”
Erin I love your voice and your blog. We women are raised to be pleasers and can go through our lives never even think about what pleases us. We are last on the list, to our own detriment. I have a decade on you am still struggling to stop this. It’s hard to stop worrying about everyone’s happiness and fixing the planets. Right now it’s especially hard with democracy hanging by a thread and feeling like maybe mom’s are the only people in this nation worrying about the gun issue and so much more.
With my extra ten years I can tell you, you will not regret taking time for the small things. You blink and kids are out of the house. Yes keep doing what you love and making you time.. also something you won’t regret and that will make you a happy person/parent. It’s so hard to turn off the social media, but even as a blogger, ( I am one too), you might do less, answer less. Don’t give these trolls an ounce of your time.
And remember the way we spend our days is how our kids will also. I decided to start modeling the life I want my kids to live. Enjoy and keep up your beautiful messages to the world. Do what YOU love. You have no worry about losing the real followers, or your reputation. Sending hugs to you from California.
Erin,
My sister gave me your coffee book as a gift and since then I follow your blog from time to time.
I love your taste, your voice, and get inspiration and at times “escape” from your blog. I would not be interested in your blog if you went on and on about your kids, how boring. Please continue to post exactly what you do, slow down if that’s what brings you joy, you have so many who support you. Sending good vibrations from Virginia.
Thank you for sharing. Same fears, different continent (Europe). Past generations have been in the exact situation and have proven to be strong. Love your close ones as much as you can. Remember … we are all still privileged to have each other, we’re not in the cold out there, or ill, or in pain. Use your voice if you need to.
I also have to imagine it sucks when your business (and most businesses nowadays) rely heavily upon social media for marketing, partnerships, sponsorships, etc. Yes, there are so many positives of social media, but it also brings out the very worst in humanity (i.e. trolls on this very post). And if you already struggle with comparing yourselves to others, feeling overwhelmed by the constant barrage of negativity, filters and news of all of the horrible things in the world, etc. it’s like adding gasoline to the fire as you scroll. It’s toxic and addictive – and yet it is a cornerstone of your business! I wonder if you could not take a sabbatical from design/clients and your partnerships but take a one month sabbatical from Instagram and active blogging. Get blog posts drafted in advance, have your team post (love those ones where you guys all design the same room differently), read the paper only when you pick up your Starbucks. Get inspiration for design from nature, friends, books. Your faithful followers (of which there are many) will be here when you are back and will be cheering you on for doing the damn thing. You are an ‘influencer’ but if you are truly at the breaking point/long time resident of Funkville, get out of the mind f*ck that is social media. Keep taking pictures and document your month away (I mean truly away – no quick checks or one minute doom scrolls or checking Facebook – gateway drug!). I would love to see the post when you return and any takeaways from the experience. Xo
I have long admired you, Erin— you would make a wonderful journalist— and, as someone with many decades on you, I would like to offer some advice. Unplug from twitter and instagram and emails and blogs and whatever – have an assistant check them, if you must- because it is just too much noise, silly, jealous, mean- spirited that you don’t need cluttering your mind and heart. Do you think Kate Middleton would get out of bed if she read the nasty, ridiculous things said about her looks, her clothes, her child- rearing, her marriage and her charitable work? These nameless critics have absolutely nothing to do with your life. Ignore them. Accept constructive criticism only from those you love and admire. These are scary, anxiety- ridden times — much like the 1930s and 1940s— but do not be defeated. Do what you can for the world but don’t lose sight of your own personal universe. Take a moment to stare at a hydrangea, smell the freshly mowed grass, sip a Frappuccino and just enjoy the moment. Time passes soooo quickly. Linger a bit and enjoy the moment. You deserve it.
This. 1,000%
This post is timely and very important for women to read. Balancing motherhood and a successful career is almost an impossible task with the expectations that society puts on women. What our world needs most is happy people who exude love and joy. I applaud and support everyone who has the courage to say (especially on a public platform) that they want more-more joy, more peace, more space to breathe and enjoy this one wild and precious life. All that matters is that you build a life that fits you and that is an ever evolving process. The work is in the deep soul searching required to find your joy. This is the most meaningful and important work we do in this life. And the rewards are endless.
I don’t know how this suggestion will land but you have a lot of similarities to patients of mine who have had success with mircrodosing of psychedelics. It truly opens up that realm of your mind I think you have trouble accessing (joy, content, ease). If nothing else do some research. Michael Pollan wrote a book about it and Netflix is releasing a docuseries about it. I know you’ve been honest about being on many types of meds for bother fertility and depression, so perhaps you might be open to trying this? Blessings to you!
Erin- I can relate to this 100% on so many levels. Thank you for so honestly and eloquently sharing—both the highs and lows of life, work, motherhood, mental health, etc. Thank you for making me feel less alone in my own thoughts and feelings! Your words matter & you are so inspiring! Sending you a virtual hug!!
FYI your children will not remember any of the special stuff. They just remember the feeling of being loved and in the moment.
Right there with you. I’ve been putting my husband’s and kids’ happiness first for a long time, and I’m trying to do what I’d like to do more often. If I’m happier, everyone is better off. But it’s not easy, and there’s a lot of guilt.
I enjoyed reading this and for the first time after following you for several years, felt the need to leave a comment.
It’s my common practice to seek a ‘one word resolution’ every January that guides my personal reflections and personal growth throughout the year. This year, 2022 – my word is ‘HAPPY’
I relate to many things you shared because I too am a people pleaser, Type A, perfectionist, graduate of interior design with an eye for beauty, successful VP, mother of twins and wife of 31 years. It’s an exhausting feat to meet my own unrealistic expectations and remain happy. You are right in saying that these characteristics often breed productivity and success….but at what cost? Happiness is found in the little things, and in the quiet whispers when we take time to slow down and be still. Life is a vapour and if we blink we’ll miss it entirely.
Here are a few thoughts in hopes that you’ll find comfort that you’re not alone. This world is becoming a very dark place and those who are truly happy have found their peace in the light of truth… knowing this is not all there is……there is everlasting happiness to come!
Psalm 86:4 “ Give me happiness O Lord, for I give myself to You.”😁
It is only God that can “put gladness into the heart and make the soul to rejoice”, and then, and not till then, the joy is full; and, as it is the duty of those who are God’s servants to ‘serve Him with gladness’, so it is their privilege to be ‘filled with joy and peace in believing’, and they may in faith ‘pray’, not only that God will preserve their souls, but that He will rejoice their souls, and the joy of the Lord will be their strength.
Observe, when the psalmist prays, “Give me happiness…” – he adds, “For I give myself to You.” Then we may expect comfort from God when we take care to keep up our communion with God: prayer is the nurse of spiritual joy.🙏🏻
“Happy is the one who feels that all they have, all they want, and all they expect are to be found in their God!”
Erin, I really appreciate the time you take to write here. I can relate to the feelings you express- that the world feels like it is descending into a chaotic and unsafe place fast, that I’m being uncomfortably stretched between various responsibilities, and that I am feeling a conspicuous lack of happiness in my day to day life. A little over a year ago my beautiful infant daughter became unexpectedly and seriously ill. In my last hours with her I was awed by how beautiful the ordinary moments of life are. I silently promised myself that I would remember, now that my eyes were wide open, to treasure the most simple moments. To live my life more in the present, more carefully and deliberately, and most of all more attuned to the person I was sharing the moment with. Tolstoy’s “The Three Questions”, it’s only two pages long- so not A War and Peace commitment to read- sums up the way I strive to live now perfectly. There is a children’s book version of it (by the same name) my sons and I enjoy reading together too. Thanks for prompting me to remember my commitment to myself. I hope you find your answers!
I love every word of what you wrote. It rings true for so many of us. You are absolutely correct … the time is now. XX
I hear you, Erin. The world is spinning faster than we can keep up. The state of affairs in the US has become scary. We won’t talk about Trump. Your medical system is such that the poor do not have access to care when everyone should in a rich country. Your right to bear arms has allowed those that should never have a gun made available. The argument is that if everyone doesn’t have a gun they are not able to protect themselves from criminals. Are there killers in every neighborhood? Covid Why do so many think it is a non event when so many are dying? One million in the US alone! I could go on but I know you are aware of all the statistics and that keeps you awake at night. I hope you can step back from your responsibilities and take a breather, a moment of quiet, and find some joy in life. Hug those sweet children, have a quiet moment with your husband, dance with your friends, read a book on your patio, enjoy the life you have worked so hard for.
just a simple – THANK YOU!
You can do it all but you can’t do it all at once is the best advice I’ve ever received. We all make our choices. Do what works for you.
Erin, this piece was so raw and self-reflecting and personal. I appreciate that you would open up in such a vulnerable way. Your design work is absolutely fantastic and an inspiration I’m sure to everyone who follows you. It certainly is to me. It isn’t easy to run an enterprise, raise a family, keep a marriage alive and have any time for yourself. I hope you find peace and faith to see it all through. I know you will.
I read through the comments and what struck me is how relatively few people spoke about our decline of society, guns, and possible loss of our democratic republic as we know it. Those are real and true stressors.
So many are only writing here of motherhood, of me time. I don’t think that’s the real problem. It’s our current society, social media where everyone has a voice for good or bad, endless voices…and politics.
Erin, you are…and will remain, a wonderful mother, however you decide do it. Why? Because you are a caring, empathetic and thinking person. Period.
About the rest of our chaotic country right now? Please continue to speak out.
Some say stop listening to the news…no, precisely NOW is when we need to listen to the news. Not ridiculous conspiracy theories…not tv channels that are not news but are only propaganda for a gone-nuts party, not Facebook or Twitter posts from crazies only out for ‘likes’….But real news.
I am stressed AF, about the last 5 yrs.
We need change. I hear you loud and clear.
Very well said, as a long time reader and a full time working mother of two littles I get it. I have so much respect for you and really admire you. Thank you for your honesty and inspiration.
One word of advise…….stop watching the news. Most of it is fear mongering. Start trusting your own common sense.
Erin, I have now read through your post a second time. You have been very honest and open with where you are at in this moment. So many of your readers, who are at the same age, with husbands, young children and careers, certainly understand exactly what you are going through. I have many years beyond yours, but I remember, I remember well. I am also an interior designer, who has a very successful career, that has seen almost 50 years and I continue with it even into my early 70’s…because I love it! Years ago, my mother, who was also a career woman said, “you love your work, not just for the work, but because, when you are doing it, your clients don’t know you as a wife, or as a mother, but as the person that they look to for your expertise and they trust you”. She was right…I love my husband and now grown children. I loved being a wife and mother, but that is not the person my clients know and trust and I love that I have been allowed to be that “other” person. I will tell you though, that if you are able to temporarily pull back, even just a bit, from the career demands, you may lose a few clients or products, but it will still be there for you when you are ready to hit it at full speed again.
As far as all the worries that these last few years have thrown at us, please listen to the voices of some of us gray haired older women. I have always been a worrier, but over time, I’ve come to realize that worrying does NOTHING, it changes NOTHING. but it does make us crazy!
There is a poem that was recited at a friend’s funeral this year and I haven’t let it go since I heard it. It’s called The Dash by Linda Ellis. You are very in tune to things so you have probably heard it before but read it again. It’s so powerful, to me anyway.
Sadly, I completely agree with your summary, “There are so many horrible things going on in the world to fear- war, guns, climate change, never-ending COVID, sexism, racism, astronomical gas prices and supply chain crises, the demise of a somewhat decent society (and certainly government).”
So, I reflect on the areas I have the most control…and hope to extend my reach a bit later. Then, I start with the end in mind, and work backwards. What do I wish for my children this week? July? This Summer.? What do I wish for my husband, our marriage tonight, this week, this month? What do I really want for myself – physically, spiritually, intellectually, creatively, socially, financially… I identify, on a private computer page, where I am in each category of my life…and where I wish to be. Then I problem solve how I will get there. You may choose to focus on one area at a time or completely run with your stream of thoughts. This process unloads my spinning mind, clarifies MY wishes for myself and my loved ones, sets MY goals, provides me with the direction I want, and empowers me.
When you are back in the saddle, feeling great about several categories and ready to challenge yourself further, consider NYT bestseller You are a Badass; How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life. Because you are, in fact, a Badass – in the nicest way.
Have fun designing the LIFE of your dreams…starting with this week. Very best wishes.
I feel the EXACT same way – on every single point. The gun-thing is absolutely madness – it actually makes me even more irate when it comes up and more people DO NOT get as upset as me! Thank you for this post – the fact that I read it in its’ entirety was a little gift to myself – so thank you. Know you are not alone in how you are feeling.
I too struggle living in the present. I read something a couple months ago that really designated with me and every-time I get in a bad head space I try to think about it to calm myself down. Imagine if you were the backseat driver of your life. What would that passenger say if they put their hand on your shoulders and said look at your life right now. Is this what you expected it to look like? Is this what you expected to be enjoying? What made you the happiest? So now I just imagine myself looking at myself how ma y years from now telling myself to chill out. Not care as much and enjoy this time. Easier said then done but it has helped for brief moments.
Thank you for this. Apparently I am not the only one. I have heard same from others but yours was so well put. I am printing it out for my purse. And passing it along. Please keep on your path as described as I am 68 and can tell you: life only gets shorter and health problems start to cause limitations you will not have thought possible.
Covid has isolated all of us which has just added to all the horrific rest. Thank you for your candid post.
You are awesome and such an inspiration to so many. I’m in my 50’s and I wish that I had read “The Boundary Boss” by Terri Cole back then. The Boundary Boss Bill of Rights has changed my life:
You have the right to say no to others and not feel guilty.
You have the right to negotiate for your preferences, desires and needs.
You have the right to prioritize your self-care without feeling selfish.********
Enjoy your 40’s and the precious time with your little ones. You can’t get that time back.
I thought you might like this latest Esther Perel article about this exact thing. Yes I think a lot of women are drowning. The shocking events of the past several years, and accompanying political attitudes, aren’t things I ever thought I would have to confront in my lifetime. I guess progress isn’t always linear, but accepting that I will likely not see true equality in my lifetime has been a bitter pill to swallow. Anyhow, here is the article. Take care.
https://www.estherperel.com/blog/letters-from-esther-34-how-are-you
Your post is moving and struck a chord with me. I am a few years older than you, as are my kids, and remember feeling that sense of being pulled in too many directions, always feeling like you’re having to trade off one thing for another because there are not enough hours in the day. And kids that age are a joy but also a lot of straight up work/labor. And when you’ve gone through what you went through to have kids, there may be guilt in not giving up everything else in life to be with them or not enjoying them 24/7. But that’s the reality of motherhood. I will say that when I was at your stage of things I happened upon the book “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin and it really helped me figure out a lot of this stuff. It was a similarly situated mother who “had it all” and wondered why she still didn’t feel happy. She came at the issue in a very practical, analytical matter (she is a former lawyer) and really researched and then experimented to see how to change her perspective, or how she used her time, arranged her home, interacted with her husband, family, etc. to best engage with and find happiness in her life. Might be of interest? Anyway, good luck!
Good for you Erin! My Mom and Dad worked full time when I was growing up. (Mom actually earned more than Dad and founded her own company when I was a teenager) Yes, there were tradeoffs but it was such a powerful model for me and I love the drive and independence I have as a result. Plus I am still close with two of my best friends from daycare which we all started at less than a year old!
Thanks for sharing that- it’s so comforting to hear!
Hi Erin, Your post is moving. Thank you for being so open about your inner and outer life. I’m passionate about the pursuit of joy because finding it when I was lost (my inner life felt like a thin thread) made all the difference. Next week will mark 2000 days of following joy. During the pandemic I wrote a full color illustrated workbook to help people find more of their joy, realize their intentions and be true to themselves. When I had no idea how to start designing the book, I reached for Elements of Style for layout, font style, and type set inspiration. Would you like to read my manuscript to help you with your goal of letting go of the life you think you “should” be creating and create a life aligned to your joy and what you really want? It would be an honor to send it to you. Nevertheless, I wish you an abundance of truth and JOY!!
Erin,
I think that the way you feel resonates with many. I am in my mid fifties and all of a sudden, our world feels less secure to me. It is unsettling. I applaud your efforts to use your public voice for good. Please keep doing that; we need more people like you. You feel overwhelmed because you care, and that’s a really good thing. I have a decade on you of trying to learn how to find joy and peace in my life. I stopped focusing on being happy, because I find that too abstract. But I know what gives me joy (time spent with my children, animals, and friends), and I know what gives me peace (time spent drinking coffee on my deck on summer mornings, time in my garden, walks in my neighborhood). When I read the last two sentences I wrote, I notice the common denominator: time. Your life overflows with many wonderful things: your family, your successful businesses, and your friends. Embrace all that, because you have worked hard and you deserve all of that. But time is the most valuable commodity, and if you can find a few things to say no to, you may find more peace. I could be trite, and say that your children will grow up quickly, and then you will have more time in your life (I know this from personal experience), but that doesn’t help you now. So instead, my advice (sorry, not that you asked for it), is to find things to say no to, so that you can carve out more time for things that bring you peace and joy.
I feel this so deeply, it almost made me cry. Lately I have felt like every single cup is overflowing, and I can’t get it all under control. It feels like I’m constantly swimming upstream, against the current, with bricks tied to my feet. I applaud you for really working through this, and thinking about what matters. It’s something we all need to try to do.
So many helpful comments here — and the one critical one that even though it felt mean-spirited, got me thinking about what self-care actually is. I think we are sold a bill of goods that it is vacations, spas, manicures, dinners, a shopping trip, etc. Not that those aren’t great, but they won’t make a dent in the life imbalance we feel because they are not sustainable changes to our daily routines. Instead of a remedy/reward approach (I work so hard therefore I need this fun/escapist thing), I love that you are doing things like really looking at your work schedule, figuring out the systems that will result in less stress. THAT is self-care: taking responsibility for what we are doing and changing what isn’t working. I will never forget a conversation between me, my husband, and best friend where we each named the one thing about our current daily life that we would change if we could: what rose to the top of the heap as the most stressful thing? Mine was having to have lunch with my boss every day. My friend’s was having to drive across LA to reach some of her clients. My husband’s was having to pack our kids’ lunchboxes. Somehow, setting forth that one thing made changing it seem feasible. And we all did!
Good luck, Erin — you will make it through this somehow. I know it. xoxo
It’s so true! “Me Time” does NOT mean it has to be something frivolous or costly (vacation/ spa, etc.). Those things are great and feel good, but come with their own stressors (the cost, time away, etc) For me it’s more about time- watching a movie, going to the beach for an afternoon, taking a hike, or just sitting in my yard with catalogues. It can be more of the small/ free things that feel the best.
Beautifully written, Erin! Hopefully this summer will bring you joy and calmness. I try to find joy in the little things, like gardening in my flower beds both at home and at the lake house. I really get in the zone when I do it and really zen out. Also, getting away from home and going to my lake house every weekend has been a game changer since we bought it in 2020. I associate it with time off and relaxation, so I have no time to be anxious when I am there. Try to find yourself a spot that brings that out in you, whether at a nice park or somewhere by the water and bring a blanket and a good book and enjoy an hour or so of alone time. Wishing you lots of rest, fun and light this summer xoxo
Take the time you need. Full Stop. Take the time.
I sympathize. We are women, but we are humans too, with valid need for rest. Your comment; ‘our 40’s is amazing time’ resonates deeply with me. It has been a ‘coming into my own’ and in my 49th year, I sense this will continue to deepen and enrich my life as I hopefully am blessed to continue living through my 50s.-because remember, we don’t know what tomorrow brings.
The toughest challenge, to stop and smile, and laugh, during the focus work moments (or more accurately hours). Weave happiness and gratefullness into all moments of life. We don’t know what tomorrow brings.
I look forward to your posts as my daily habit, but if you aren’t healthy, there won’t be no posts.
Take care.
The “airplane oxygen mask” analogy is one I always go back to. Put your mask on first, then you are more helpful to others. Take care of you. xo
Erin, thank you for your raw and very personal thoughts. I applaud you for putting it out there and showing us all how to feel all the feelings and try to make this life the best for you. At 64, I wish I would have had such clarity as I, too, am an only child and people pleaser extraordinaire much like you,so, I can so relate to much you are saying. As an R.N. who sees and knows the brevity and uncertainty of our days, go for it. Take all the time you need for you, my dear, and please know you inspire me with your courage, your dreams and desires. You deserve all that and more.
My two cents… I just turned 50, and yes, our 40s are for sifting through and processing, well, everything. I’ve learned to let go of a lot of stuff, I’ve gained a clearer picture of what I want/what makes me happiest, I’ve dropped the “I should be doing this or that”… I’ve redefined what I want my life to look like. And I do not care one iota about others judging me, my choices, my life. Only you can know what is best for you. Try not to get too caught up in the “shoulds” and feeling like your life is tethered to one path, and one path only. Perhaps this all sounds overly simplistic but it took me decades to realize this, and to really apply it to how I live my life.
Hang in there, Erin. So many of us identify with what you’re feeling, I think half the battle is knowing you’re not alone. As I’ve been reading your blog and books for so many years I’ve tricked myself into thinking I know you personally so I will talk to you like a friend…. I’m glad you’ve got a great support network, lean in hard to that and outsource what you can. You’re lucky to have the means so support that, and as a working mom it’s not crazy to hire someone for 5 hours a week to sort all your laundry and ironing (separate or on top of a cleaning lady if you already have one). The piles of laundry are literally never ending. Take the stress out where you can! In the short-term, I’ve found a media and social media detox really helpful. I feel guilty not being an informed citizen in terms of the news but at the same time our brains have trouble processing the constant stream of (bad) news, and social media just feeds comparison battles. I also love Ferne Cotton’s podcasts, which are all about discovering ways to improve our mental well-being. Finally, I’ve struggled with perfectionism my entire life and I’m working on the ability to catch myself when I’m beating myself up over a perceived short-coming and to remind myself that I’m striving for excellence, not perfection. You’re doing a great job, you hold yourself to incredibly high standards, you’re doing more than enough! I hope you’re able to give yourself some reprieve this summer.
Erin, I know that you run a very successful business, and showing your children the value of hard work, especially as a woman, is very important to you. I just want to say though, that if you feel caught up in the rat race, there is absolutely no shame in paring back, especially during these young years with your sweet kids, though that may be very difficult. I was a full time nanny all through college for two families in which the mothers worked very long hours building their careers while their kids were toddlers and early elementary. They were affluent, well traveled and had beautiful homes and plenty of disposable income, but the tradeoffs were also unavoidable and made a lasting impression on me. I came away from that experience grateful to have known these families, but without a desire to replicate their course, and was determined to be the primary one raising my kids when I had a family of my own. I didn’t want to miss those fleeting years, all the moments big and small – albeit challenging – as they had, and I knew that pouring into my children full time was worth the temporary monetary sacrifice and delay of any professional goals, as archaic as that might sound coming from a woman in 2022. Simplifying my life, honing in on what’s most important and learning contentment in the midst of never ending choices and the next new thing, has brought so much peace and joy.
Why don’t people make these kinds of assessments about the Dads of the kids??? Surely they worked demanding jobs outside of the home, too, (why else would a nanny be needed). As women, it seems that we’re much more interested in / critical of each other’s choices than society at large is of men. Surely that scrutiny contributes to us having these kinds of existential crises way more than men do, which is a huge frustration of mine.
10000000% Jeannie. Some people just are NOT cut out to be SAHM. I am one of them, so are you. I just need to find time for myself so I can be more present and energetic when I AM with my kids nights and weekends.
Hey Abby – I agree wholeheartedly that there is no shame in stepping back! I also think that sometimes people get caught up in “keeping up with Joneses,” so to speak, or are unwilling to let go of expectations about what standard of living they “should” have, and don’t step back even when they could or should. I just wanted to respectively offer some food for thought and a different perspective: I truly believe that some women are called to work full-time inside the home, and others are called to work full-time outside the home. I love my two year old son more than life itself, and I absolutely love spending time with him, but I honestly don’t think I would be a good SAHM. I think my son’s daycare teachers are called to do what they do, and I’m called to both work outside the home and be his mother. Trying to be my son’s teacher/a full-time SAHM would be like putting on a too-small outfit – it just wouldn’t fit. It would be unfair to him. And vice versa for a woman who is called to be her children’s full-time caretaker, teacher, etc. I could be a SAHM if I wanted to be and felt like it was the best choice for my family, but I don’t. I think Erin is the same way. There is wisdom in accepting who we were made to be and the calling on our lives, and it’s not always because our lives aren’t simple enough or we our priorities in the wrong order.
err, “respectfully offer,” not “respectively,” lol.
I’m really glad that you figured out what works best for you. Unfortunately that kind of break is not possible for me- And would not be healthy for me either. I love working, love what I do- It does make me a better mom. I just have to find balance.
Totally agree with Jeanne. I saw a video once that stuck with me because the dad said, “you only get four years with a little kid. Just four!” And that resonated because it is such a fleeting time in the grande scheme of things, and an especially demanding time. While I also work full time and could never see myself being happy NOT working full time, I try to be especially cognizant of all the little things in life right now with 6 y/o and 1 y/o little girls. These are such formative years of their lives that yes, I somehow need and want to be so present for them but also have to do my job and the work of life. As the little kids be learns to pick out her own outfits and get dressed and the older one can walk herself home from the bus the craziness will slowly decline… so I’m going to strive to do as much as I can across all fronts and keep the wheels on, knowing it’s temporary. And when I finally have time to catch my breath in a few years I’ll probably wish I was back in the thick of it again.
Just my two cents on this particular comment, I think the bigger point is that having young kids is physically harder than other stages of parenting. I have a 7-year old and a 1-year old (thank you secondary infertility), and I feel like for me, accepting that the younger years are just more demanding during the day is a big realization. I also know I am a better mother working outside the home, but I think just factually, it is hard having little kids. I know that other phases have other challenges, but the way little kids impact your sleep and energy levels has to be unique…right? I’m still figuring out what this means for me personally in terms of finding more balance, but I just wanted to make the point about small children vs. other stages of parenting.
I love your brave honesty.
Happiness is not a destination. It is a mindful choice every day.
Glad to hear you are going to look within to discern what it is that you want to do and how you want to be. Having followed you for awhile, I know you will make your choices with integrity.
You should read ‘More Than a Mom’ by Kari Kampakis
PEACE
It is not to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.
It means to be in the midst of things and still be calm in your heart.
I personally went through some tough “stuff” in my early 30’s. I think I was strong then for my children. I’m 59 now happily married for 25 yrs with 3 successful children. I had a few rough bumps this year already. I am a get it done kind of girl as I am sure you are too! I’m feeling like I’m not as “strong” as I was. Everyone will tell you I am one of the strongest women they know. But here is what I have discovered or believe to be true. On the outside we are fine but physiologically or psychologically all the things leave a dent or a mark or wear us down. Over the years, I think they start to accumulate and you can’t keep them under wraps. They come out one way or another. Mine was crazy hives like you can’t even imagine all over my body. After going to ER, allergists, dermatologist etc. My primary Dr. ( I’m super healthy on no drugs, can play a 3 hr tennis match) she looked at me and said I was stressed. I said “Honestly I don’t feel stressed. She said no because you are a person who can handle stress.” But your body still feels it. Hmmmm. I went on high does of prednisone, not fun and she put me on anti-depressants for 3 months. Hives cleared up I went off all meds. I think we have to take the time and heal our soul. Your soul has been beat up and you kept going just like I did. It will find you and make you stop and slow down. Be kind to yourself and gentle with yourself. Do what fills you up to recharge yourself. Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend or child. Its ok not to be perfectly not perfect and need people to help you.
I relate to this on so many levels! Thank you for putting it out there.
Erin- you are truly one of my VERY favorite voices on the internet. I love how you share and how you care. So happy you are listening to your heart and body to slow down and ENJOY. My husband taught me about “dust in 40” – we are both in med 50’s so he figures we – and most of our friends- will simply be DUST in 40 years (ish) so we are working on bucket list and trying to ENJOY and LIVE. xoxox- jennifer from Oregon
Amen. Amen girl. I love it when someone else says, out loud, the very thoughts bouncing around the inside of my head right now. But, let me point out one thing that you said and then contradicted yourself. “I think the little things is where the magic is….I may have missed Field Day last week at Henry’s school
….but my job is allowing me to take him to a really special night at Fenway Park….” The magic IS in the little things, so why not take the days off that will allow you to do the “little things” that your son and daughter will remember forever. And they will. My grown up children astound me all the time with memories of really simple times we spent together that are so special to them. You gotta talk the talk and walk the walk.
Really enjoy following you Erin- chin up!
This is a reply to M75
My comments to Erin Gates were 100% positive. I did not pile any guilt on her. She stated her wish to focus (on the little things) and I just tried to get her back there.
YOU sound angry, frustrated and irritated. Please learn to read words and to comprehend them before you spew your own anguish. Honestly, I have no idea why Erin Gates invites outside judgement on her personal life….this is the result. People like you. GFY
It’s not always a choice- most days I can make that call but sometimes you just can’t due to commitments. But when I can, yes, I want to make more time for the little moments with them
I have “missed” a lot as a business owner and mother to three kids. Parents actually express shock when I show up to events LOL . Honestly – it does not bother me. My kids need to understand and be proud that I am a working person. They need to understand that – bluntly – my world does not revolve around them. They are to be self sustaining individuals and that starts with knowing that love does not mean showing up for every little thing at school. I don’t think it makes the kid feel less loved. Nor should it be some badge of honor that you were “always there”. Some things you make, some you don’t. Candidly, I get comments all the time from school teachers/counselors etc about how great my kids are. Via email of course :)
Sorry this is so long but I just hate when this guilt is piled on moms. Erin, your kids will be fine. More honestly when I do show up – there is a slight buzz amongst – wait for it – the teenage girls – who think I am some sort of bad ass. Double LOL I do wear a suit when I show up mostly because I am coming from work. That just amazes me that they even know who I am and that they actually chat about me ( I have no social media presence) So anyway – Erin – focus on your purpose. It may be your business on a certain week. It may be your kids on Friday. And it may be you on a random Tuesday you decide to take off and laze around watching Real Housewives without showering…in bed…with chips…. Happiness is an elusive term. Contentment and satisfaction with what I did that day is my goal. Sometimes it is a fantastic 12 hour work day. Others it is a late night chat with my teenage daughters who love to fill me in on the gossip at school. It will all work out.
Yes, you are privileged. But you’ve worked darn hard to earn your privileges. Nothing got handed to you except great genes and access to an excellent education.
I hope you regularly take time for you. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
PS. I’m giving myself a day off to read and rest myself. Taking my own advice.
It’s not selfish, it’s self-first. We can’t help anyone else until we help ourselves. (Put on your oxygen mask before helping those around you do same.) You bring a lot of joy to the party for those of us out here. You deserve to be balanced and happy.
Glennon Doyle’s podcast is something I have been recommending to all my friends. The one about “the ticker” that we have running through our heads all the time just summed it all up. Life is a lot.
Thank you for sharing. You are so accomplished and impressive. You may not feel this way, but you really could just rest on your laurels at this stage. I know you probably won’t, but you really could. Be kind to yourself.
You are literally on a vacation/“me day” every other week. Why not find actual joy doing the parenting thing?
I am so with you on that comment!! This woman literally post more about what makeup she wears, what vacation she’s taking, took or going to take then I’m playing with my children or going away with my children, when I read some of these comments on here I am laughing out loud sorry people feel for Aaron Gates this is a woman who will rather spend her birthday and a hotel room by herself didn’t spend it with her children have selfish is that that is not self time that is your celebration of life that you should spend with your family! Never she talks about the fun classes that she went with her kids, it takes 45 minutes for a music class with her daughter and she has never put on here that she took time to do that but she would do a whole episode on people been asking me what do I wear on my eyes so I’m doing a live to show that. Erin Gates I’ve been following you for the past 6 years I think you are a hard working woman but I think you also a undercover control freak you do what you do so you can constantly make more money than your husband so you can control your whole household undercover. I’m sure you’ve got nannies on top of nannies for your children and you go away anytime you want and leave them behind, yes you are paying for child care but what happened to spending time with your kids, you’re constantly complaining about being depressed, finding Joy no one can bring that to you stop asking people to recommend how to you.
Joy come from within, happiness come from within not by recommendations. The more I read your blogs, see your post, I personally find you to be this selfish self-centered, have pitty kind of person who needs so much attention constantly. Another thing I realize that you do is constantly brag about the next glass of wine you’re going to have after a long day, never about I cannot wait to wrap my children around me after a long day, I am sure that you have nannies on top of nanny’s working for you and I really would love to meet one of them to really hear about the person you are, because reading about you and the things that you complained, cry and get depressed about are pathetic! I feel sorry for anyone who has to live with you especially your husband he must be living with hell and not even able to tell you because you practically would remind him on how hard you work and you make more money then him and probably take the children from him hire more help just to show your Boss lady status
And then you’ll hire more nannies more help and just keep focusing on you
Goodness, woman, this is the most woman-hating comment I may have ever read. I feel like you’ve taken every insult and stereotype lodged at women, internalized them, and thrown them back at someone who frankly could be anyone (any woman, anyway): it seems you need an escape valve for your self-directed anger. I follow Erin for her design and fashion ideas and insights, occasional missives about important subjects like gun control, and for her sharing relatable struggles like this. I agree with the other comment about motherhood. This isn’t a mommy blog, and I suspect Erin keeps much of the mom stuff off because it’s frankly not why I’m here anyway (I have enough library story hours in my own life, don’t need to read about others’!) and perhaps because this area of her life is more private and sacred. For you to jump to the conclusion that she’s some maniacal absentee mother and lording-her-money wife (not sure where that trope comes from in your life, but I might explore it if I were you, something off there) it is indeed quite a leap. I echo others when I suggest therapy and looking inward. I am sure–sure–you are that type always pointing figures and making harsh judgements, especially about women, and never looking inward. Start with yourself. From what you wrote, it is apparent that there is much to work on.
Katelyn, I’m a SAHM, and for real if I logged onto a design and fashion blog to see someone posting about together time with their kids, I would be bored out of my mind. This is not a mommy blog. If you want self-righteous, shiny-haired perfect moms bragging about together time with their kids, there’s pretty much the whole rest of the internet for that. If you want practical design advice, aspirational spaces/trips, fun fashion finds and someone who occasionally talks about their life in a well-written way, come to EOS. And for the sake of literally ALL mothers, drop the judgment, lady. You don’t know her life.
Good grief Erin! If these are the things people are posting to you publicly, I can’t even imagine what people say to you over DMs and private messaging. I’m so sorry that this awfulness comes with a job you do beautifully with honestly and grace.
Wow. I don’t often feel the need to come on here and defend Erin, she can do that herself. But you are making some wild assumptions and logical leaps. I’m not going to take the time to go through each line of your comment and rip it to shreds (although I am tempted). But rather just tell you that you have missed the mark completely on her, her relationship with our children, my relationship with her, and pretty much everything else. And as others have said, this comment only shines a light on your issues personally. I read this and think anger and jealousy consume you (which is unfair and probably not true – similar to your take on her). Erin, like all of us, isn’t perfect. But she is brave and trying. Trying hard to balance a like that is both privileged and hard. Those two things can exist at once. My suggestion for you is to think about why you feel compelled to leave a comment like this. Why you feel like you need to rip her apart? How is this helpful to anyone? You don’t know her well enough to say any of those things. Work on yourself and help/support others to work on themselves. You’ll feel better.
At least spell my name right, Katelyn. Also, WOW- look at the paragraph upon paragraph you wrote about me. That isn’t something a happy balanced person does- this isn’t about me, this is about you and your very obvious repressed unhappiness, jealousy and anger. I hope you find some peace as well.
Katelyn, you really need to seek help. You have serious anger issues and I hope you can get someone to help you through it.
This is the exact thing Erin was talking about. I was talking to my therapist and realized that any time I started to live my own values (which include connection with my family and time for fun, but not having a spotless house or a high-powered career) than some outside comment (like my mom’s or a co-worker’s) brings me crashing back down. Oh I guess I am just being selfish or lazy. Not anymore. Erin, don’t listen to mean comments or someone giving you hard time for taking time for yourself. This is a difficult world, and we should be lifting each other up, not criticizing people’s choices to take care of themselves.
This is such a wonderful and insightful piece – thank you so much for sharing. I can relate 100% as I know many other women can. And thank you for the work you’re doing for gun safety. It is such a critical issue! Would be great for you to inform your followers/readership how they can get involved to bring about change too. Moms Demand Action has lots of opportunities for volunteering and can always find ways to get good people involved!
Why would you go out of your way to purposely try & hurt another person? Did you even read what she wrote? Why do women do this to other women? You clearly have something going on in your own life that you’re afraid to deal with. I hope you find peace. Honestly, I really do. That energy is going to go right back to you. Happy people don’t behave that way.
Wow, what a mean spirited comment. Maybe you should be the one looking inward.
I think the point is to find out what brings her joy. And that’s something she’s got to work out for herself rather than taking our recommendations.
Beautifully expressed. You have been through *a lot* and manage so much. Take super good care of yourself, Erin. As if you are your best friend. Because you deserve it. 🧡 KBB
Today is tomorrow. Don’t wait for perfection, this is it!
Start with joy and peace and gratitude —-it’s a good recipe. #yougogirl
Beautifully put. Taking time to really listen to that inner voice is both hard (the guilt) and (for me) scary. I applaud this and am going to try to do a little of the same.
Beautifully written and on point! So many of us feel this way and you have made so many feel that they are absolutely NOT alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you!