August 5, 2020

It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To

So, I don’t know about you but I’m having this crushing feeling that the world is going to hell in a handbasket right now.  Perhaps it’s the post-partum blues and lack of sleep talking, or the anxiety from a never-ending global pandemic and fiscal crisis, or the fact that I have two small kids growing up in a seemingly broken society and murder hornets/EEE mosquitos, random massive explosions and WHAT THE HELL COULD BE NEXT?

Just a guess, it’s ALL those things.

But the world doesn’t stop spinning and tomorrow is my birthday and I really don’t feel like celebrating this year, it just feels too heavy for cake and candles (ok, maybe some cake). This week I think I stopped trying so hard to pretend everything is going to okay and it hit me how damn scary this time in our lives is right now, and I’m having a hard time shaking it.  I am typically pessimistic anyways, but this feels different than that “glass is half empty” though process I normally have. This feels deeper and darker, and I don’t know how to shake it.

So all I asked for for my birthday is 24 hours ALONE to literally lie down and breathe. “Things” feels so silly and useless right now so I’m going to a hotel downtown, bottle of wine in my bag, pajamas packed and a plan to do nothing but try to let it all go for a moment and breathe. Watch a movie, take a bath, attempt to sleep, have a leisurely breakfast in bed. Probably have a good cry, to be honest.  That’s it. Since Emma was born I haven’t read a page of a book or a magazine or watched anything beyond Curious George and Paw Patrol with Henry while half awake, so this is all I could ask for. I need it. We ALL need it, amiright?

And I hope it resets my emotional state. I’ve had a hard time focusing on work and even thinking about blogging because of it. I know I put a ton of (too much) pressure on myself to show up here and produce content, even after having a baby a mere 8 weeks ago during this unholy mess of a time. The social media component of life makes me feel like I’m never doing enough or doing it well enough. So much so that I felt the need to come on today and apologize for being MIA lately (even though I know you all understand and will yell at me for doing so!)

I’m not even sure what the point of this post is, I guess just to say out loud MAN THIS SHIT IS HARD RIGHT NOW and let us all chat about that. A space to just dump it all out and freak out and then support each other. Because that’s the only way to get through this, right?

Ok, off for my birthday quarantine. :) I’ll see you soon.






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