It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To
So, I don’t know about you but I’m having this crushing feeling that the world is going to hell in a handbasket right now. Perhaps it’s the post-partum blues and lack of sleep talking, or the anxiety from a never-ending global pandemic and fiscal crisis, or the fact that I have two small kids growing up in a seemingly broken society and murder hornets/EEE mosquitos, random massive explosions and WHAT THE HELL COULD BE NEXT?
Just a guess, it’s ALL those things.
But the world doesn’t stop spinning and tomorrow is my birthday and I really don’t feel like celebrating this year, it just feels too heavy for cake and candles (ok, maybe some cake). This week I think I stopped trying so hard to pretend everything is going to okay and it hit me how damn scary this time in our lives is right now, and I’m having a hard time shaking it. I am typically pessimistic anyways, but this feels different than that “glass is half empty” though process I normally have. This feels deeper and darker, and I don’t know how to shake it.
So all I asked for for my birthday is 24 hours ALONE to literally lie down and breathe. “Things” feels so silly and useless right now so I’m going to a hotel downtown, bottle of wine in my bag, pajamas packed and a plan to do nothing but try to let it all go for a moment and breathe. Watch a movie, take a bath, attempt to sleep, have a leisurely breakfast in bed. Probably have a good cry, to be honest. That’s it. Since Emma was born I haven’t read a page of a book or a magazine or watched anything beyond Curious George and Paw Patrol with Henry while half awake, so this is all I could ask for. I need it. We ALL need it, amiright?
And I hope it resets my emotional state. I’ve had a hard time focusing on work and even thinking about blogging because of it. I know I put a ton of (too much) pressure on myself to show up here and produce content, even after having a baby a mere 8 weeks ago during this unholy mess of a time. The social media component of life makes me feel like I’m never doing enough or doing it well enough. So much so that I felt the need to come on today and apologize for being MIA lately (even though I know you all understand and will yell at me for doing so!)
I’m not even sure what the point of this post is, I guess just to say out loud MAN THIS SHIT IS HARD RIGHT NOW and let us all chat about that. A space to just dump it all out and freak out and then support each other. Because that’s the only way to get through this, right?
Ok, off for my birthday quarantine. :) I’ll see you soon.
XO,
Erin
Browse:
I hope you are feeling better!!
There certainly are reasons to be concerned for the future these days. However, please consider that postpartum depression (not just the blues) is a serious medical condition that needs appropriate treatment. Feeling inadequate is a real symptom as is inability to concentrate. Having a reason to feel down, like pandemics and quarantine, can mask the true source of the biological condition that strikes new mother’s at what would be the happiest time in their life. Please know that there is help and talk to your doctor just in case.
Yeah, pandemics suck. Newborns are a lot of work. Work (if you have it in these fraught times) is a lot of work. But to post about your Four Seasons getaway is just plain tacky. Pretty sure you attended enough private school to know that being discreet is always the better option. So many tens of millions of Americans are in dire straits currently, and while I know you recognize that, plastering this stuff on the social media quiver gives a lot of us an icky feeling. Please stick to being a mom, wife and the throw pillows.
I don’t know why I read these comments – love your point of view regarding design but honestly, it seems like a lot of 1st world problems. So much whining going on. Buck up girls – you really can act like grown women. You will confront many problems over the course of a life time. Keep a diary for your children and grandchildren – so when they must climb a mountain they can see that they come from strong people. I carry this phrase from “The Incredibles” with me – “You are Elastigirl – pull yourself together!!!!” Look in the mirror and say – Erin, you are strong and capable. xoxo
Erin, I was suspecting some struggle, and you need to allow yourself to have “those” days. You and I are on the opposite ends of many spectrums (politically, etc.), but as with my girlfriends and I who are also on opposite ends (or the same, for that matter), we text daily and remind each other to breathe deeply, think of 10 wonderful things…even the bird chirping outside or the cute planter with the dead plant – it really helps. I am sure you have ‘that’ friend that will never judge you, but that you are able to dump on. Our spouses can only handle so much – same as our parents. You need a great girlfriend who you can text or call at the drop of a hat to dump on and hear a positive thing from and then keep putting one foot in front of the other. Glad you are getting away…and stay off of stupid social media and news sites. Honestly…if you tend towards pessimism to begin with, tragedy sells as does emotionalism. We are all getting bogged down by it and sometimes we need to set boundaries there for our own mental health. Lastly, fake it till you make it…I have to remind myself daily with certain mantras b/c at times, emotions well. I, too, am a mother. I have biological children and children of color. I have smart children and children who struggle mightily. I have a 20 year old daughter living 36 driving hours away from me and a 22 year old son making major life decisions for after college…and possibly losing his last semester to online studies. I have 5 freaking children ages 141/2 to 17 1/2 so to say I have a home of ridiculous hormones is such an understatement…those mantras help! My kids need activities, sports, school and they are bottled up. Mantras. And wine. And occasionally vodka. And always a great, funny movie that makes me laugh AND cry b/c the release of emotions is CRITICAL to my mental health. At the beginning of the Covid craziness, I came across a quote by C.S. Lewis that was something along the lines of someone asking him, “Now that we have this terrible, destructive bomb, how will this change your life?” His reply was something like, “Not at all. This is just one more way for me to die, though highly unlikely, and I will keep right on living my life just as I did yesterday before knowledge of the bomb. I will die when I die, not a moment before and worry won’t change it.” So, big paraphrasing b/c it was a long time ago that I came across that, but that is also one of my daily reminders and I have had more peace in my heart than ever before in my entire life. Find what works for you… We cannot control much beyond what we eat, wear and think, so finding the peace that allows us to recognize that (different for everyone) is critical for healthy lives. Love, From one Mama to another!
Amen, sister. It’s all awful and sometimes we just need to cry it out. Thank you for being so honest and allowing the rest of us to be honest, too.
Happy Birthday!! Enjoy your time away! I tend to dwell on the negative and what helps me refocus and feel better is watching a funny show. Anything that makes me laugh out loud. We recently found HGTV’s House Hunters: Comedians on Couches and have watched them ALL! Laugh out loud funny!!
Hello Erin,
You are my favourite designer, I have been following your blog for 5+ years. Thank you for sharing your feelings. They are normal. As a single mother, I have them a few times a day, every day. That is ok to feel down in these crazy times. That is expected to worry for the future of your kids, this is our nature as parents. But deep insight you know that you will handle whatever comes next. Otherwise, you would not speak up. There might be dark days ahead. But you will do your best to keep up. You are a very strong person. That is why your blog has so many followers.
Love you,
Julia
You are doing the best you can! Remember that Mama. Also please check out Brooke Castillo and her podcast called The Life Coach School. She will help you with those thoughts. Her model shows that our thoughts create our feelings create our actions create our results. I have been studying her work for about 5 years and it has been a mind changer. I know you will find it helpful with those negative thoughts your having…which are totally normal.
We all moments and you have an understanding family to let you go on this solitary time. But, you must count your blessings. Your hormones must be raging but you have the gift of two beautiful children through a process that was hell. My daughter is crushed she can not conceive again and tried in vitro threes times. Erin, your cup is full. I hope this alone time will solidify your emotions and get the counseling you need but I see it as a reaction to a new baby with so many demands. You have help, I believe and your parents sound wonderful and worried.
Peace.
Oh Erin. It is so hard. Especially so in your shoes. I hope your birthday gift helped you feel a little better.
Happy birthday! Sounds like a wonderful way to spend the day. It’s okay to admit that things are hard right now – on a macro level, and on a micro level. Life is very full-on at the moment on every single front, and don’t forget post-partum hormones aren’t helping anything. Good for you for recognizing the need for a break and self-care and doing something about it; mothers don’t need to be martyrs. If you have a good therapist you can talk to they’ll validate everything you’re feeling and maybe reinforce what you already know, which is you have to focus on what matters and that will see you through these strange times.
Whatever you do, don’t stop writing. I LOVE your writing….especially “murder hornets”! Happy Birthday from a fellow writer. I hope you enjoyed your escape….
I remember a time when my kids were probably 8 and 3. My husband was being a jerk, my kids were acting up and I packed a suitcase and left. Checked into a suite hotel, had dinner, drank a bottle of wine and just checked out! No one knew where I was; I watched a couple of trashy movies and had a great night’s sleep. The next day I paid for one chick flick and snuck into another. It was fabulous! After that, I was ready to head home and face my family. My husband had been panicked, but all I needed was a break from everything to recharge. When I went home, was in a much better place to deal with everything and to remind my husband to treat we with care! Best 24 hours I have ever spent!!
My favorite posts are your honest posts, Erin! Thank you for making so many other women feel “not alone.” You are not alone in how you are feeling. And I’m so happy you could take some time for yourself (do it more often!!!)
Erin, I think your birthday idea sounds heavenly. Enjoy every minute of it. Know that you are a light in this dark world, and you bring joy to your readers through your creativity, design expertise, and impeccable fashion sense (btw, your award show fashion commentaries are hilarious). Happy Birthday lady!!! Keep being you. xoxo
Erin, think of all the good things in life to be thankful. Sorry you are going through this, it is hard with two children, ask and get help…we are so luck that we have a roof over our head, food to eat etc. My two cents!!! D
The shit is real. And to know we, as a society could fix it — and don’t // can’t be collectively bothered // that’s the deepest shit.
Happy Birthday! These are some trying times…I was dealing with 6 weeks of morning nausea (not that, postmenopausal here!)and loss of appetite and general digestive yuk. Thankfully diagnosed as gastritis from stress. Doing better, then the storm knocks out power, phones, tv and internet…just wanted to crawl into a dark closet and cry. Anyway, enjoy your day and hang in there as we all are trying so hard to do!
Happy Birthday! You said so well what so many are feeling. This is a horribly crazy time and there are times when out and seeing everyone in masks I think “Am I the only one who finds this all so odd?”
Being a new mom is tough enough without all the craziness of the world. Enjoy your downtime!
❤️❤️❤️
Give yourself lots of grace – outside the world having a big sh*t fest. It is tougher to refocus on work and life after one baby let alone two. I wish more people had told me that and yet still no one has…it’s just something I’ve recognized in myself and after watching all my other mom friends struggle through it. I worked for a woman who seemed to easily bounce back to work…but she also would forget to pick her kid up from daycare and drive straight home. So……. Give yourself grace. Your body and hormones and brain are all still processing that you brought another life into this world. You can’t expect to be your “old self” again so give yourself time to get to know your new self. Happy Birthday!
Add NO POWER due to Isaias and overwhelming heatwave to the list of grievances. And they can’t even give us an estimate on when power will be back on!!
Well, I’d sing Happy Birthday to YOU…but since my botched throat surgery…those days are over. So, I’ll SHOUT IT OUT, EnJOY THIS BIRTHDAY kiddo…you ARE fortunate to be able to do so in ANY manner YOU please. No one celebrated my 50th and I went to the beach and stayed two days…that’s a LOT of years to reflect about…I hope you do the same. franki
First, Happy Birthday! I hope this time for yourself brings you a rejuvenated spirit to carry you through this crappy time we are all living. If I can share one thing that really helps me when the world seems to be closing in and I am pulled in every direction with things to get done, people to take care of, and a million things on my mind; I take a deep breath a tell God to take over. I know that may sound cliche, but he truly is there to take everything off our hands and to show us that when we give him our worries and our burdens he shows us how to navigate. I am the type of person who always wants to do everything and rarely asked doe help. But, when I have had to navigate rough waters, I’ve learned that God is my life-jacket, and he will help me navigate through. So I hope this little message lifts you up today.
Enjoy your day doing all the things that will make you happy today.
Happy Birthady!
Erin, you said two things in this post in particular that really resonated with me (and I’ll bet with others too). One is that you’ve “stopped trying hard pretending everything is going to [be] ok”. With our inept President and everything else going on, this is the same conclusion I’ve reached. It’s really scary. Why do we pretend, anyway? Especially we women, pretending that our marriages are super, that the demands that are placed on us are no problem, that it’s easy to balance work and family? It’s crazy.
The second thing that jumped out at me was that “the social media component of life makes [you] feel like you’re never doing enough or doing it well enough”. That is the dark side of all this wondrous technology that brings us together. It is a constant pressure cooker. As someone who “has it all together”, I think it’s amazing that you have the courage to present an unvarnished view of your life as it is right now. We all pretend far too much.
Hang in there. This too shall pass. You’re amazing.
Yes you 100% need 24 hours to yourself!! I asked for the same thing for my birthday, a morning to go to the beach alone. Things are hard right now and postpartum and lack of sleep and self care is definitely NOT helping.
I am Catholic, my perspective on this all is that God IS working to restore our world, but the first part of a fix is to identify what’s broken. The pandemic, racial riots, etc, have all unearthed so many underlying issues that need to be fixed. And it’s up to us to help Him do the work, we all have a calling and role. It’s like a disease- how can you cure your sickness if you don’t first find out you have it, then work through the treatments? But trust there is a redemption and a plan for all this. And try to focus on the positive- we will look back and be grateful for the extra family time, for learning how to slow down, for learning that we can live with less. We’re not unique, so many people across the world suffer so much worse, so many generations have suffered through disease, issues, unrest. I believe all this will help our children grow to be resilient and strong. I believe a quarantine in a way was an answer to everyone’s constant stress and busy-ness, a forced slowdown. We still have so much be to grateful for, even amidst the sadness and frustration and fear.
Things will get better. Keeping taking care of yourself and your family. You are in my prayers.
I’m a 60 year old woman, healthy, safe, and without financial difficulties, with healthy and happy children, family, and friends, and I’m very worried about the toll that the pandemic is taking on others. As for me and mine, we are fine health wise and financially, but there’s an economic, health, and especially mental health toll that is taken on others. These are difficult times. We all go through difficult times in life and you just have to get through them. The difference here is everyone is going through the difficult time simultaneously, and there is no single area of normal life to ground us. I think we all need to pay more attention to the mental health consequences of this pandemic. People are experiencing economic distress, isolation, upset of normal routines (hello, parents and students suddenly homeschooling), and the effects of living with chronic uncertainty. There’s anger and frustration boiling over in the form of lingering protests in Seattle and Portland, and fights in public businesses over masks. I believe it’s all related to the pandemic situation and the breakdown of our coping skills. As for you, talk to your doctor. Postpartum mind effects are common and real, and can be treated.
Yes. We’re all there with you. I hope you get the sleep that you need. I have faith you are going to feel better soon – even if it takes a little more time than one birthday (Happy birthday!).
Thank you for sharing during this hard time. You are not alone. I am so glad that you can recognize and ask for what you need. I believe that we are in a tough time, but I am confident that the best of us is emerging (our voices just aren’t as easy to hear through the manufactured confusion). Change is hard, and usually painful. This hard time is the proof that things are changing, harmful beliefs have been exposed for what they are and people are in some destructive phases of grief. I see you. If I could take some of your pain, I would just steal it and run away, but your pain is valuable. It was installed in you early, and comes from empathy. Thank you for taking the day for yourself. You are allowed to care for yourself. Beyond everything else, you are strong – more importantly, you are flexible – babies are adaptability boot camp. Babies during Covid are going to give you super-human powers of flexibility, and your kids are going to be stronger and more flexible from the start they are getting. Thank you for being you, and thank you for having so much empathy in this world. If you didn’t admit to some pain, I would be more worried. Xo, Happy Birthday. You are enough.
Hi Erin, taking care of yourself is the best gift you can give your husband, your children and your business. Say nice things to yourself every day! Motherhood is definitely the hardest job in the world so remember that but maybe try to visualize your kids in 5 years. How adorable will that be!!!
Also, just imagine the world 1 year from now. We will have a president (new or the same), it will be a warm summer day and hopefully we will all be vaccinated.
I really appreciate all that you share and please know that you are inspiring and helping sooooo many women out here!
You mood and perspective are totally understandable. This should be a joyous time for you but instead it mostly sucks. All that you have experienced often becomes cumulative so the weight and hopelessness seems to grow. My son was supposed to be married in April, then July. My great niece was supposed to get married in May. As a result I missed four joyous events I had been looking forward to. I am 64 and I’ve only been thinking about being the Mother of the Groom for 31 years 😁. I am a glass half full person, but all this crap has taken it’s toll. My survival strategy has to be relatively numb, read a lot of Agatha Christie and Henry James, watch old episodes of Masterpiece Theatre and wait for a vaccine. (If it as 31 years ago, and I was home with my newborn twin boys, I would have needed “happy” pills 🤪.)
I was for sure thinking it was gonna be THIS SHIT IS WACK bc it definitely is. You aren’t alone. I’ve been having super dark thoughts in a spiral about the state of the world and the atrocities committed in it every day and it makes me want to literally hide away my children and never let them out. I really have to keep doing fun things, normal mundane tasks and little things that make me happy. But, for you, what you are doing IS exceptionally hard, on top of the world falling apart. The baby years are so cruelly difficult and insanely precious and fleeting. My baby is 5 (I had 3 in 3 years) and he is starting Kindergarten in two weeks. I just cannot believe it’s over. And I prayed for it to be over because it was so hard and now I hate myself a little for not loving it more in the moment. But it’s so hard. And that is just the way it is. Survive as best you can and know that this life is worth the work, and your kids need YOU more than any person on this planet. You are cherished and beloved and so, so needed by them. And all of us too!
This. Just exactly this. Those years are SO HARD and mostly nobody tells you how difficult they are. I recall just wanting to NOT BE TOUCHED anymore, at the end of the day, after nursing a baby and tending to a toddler all day long. Raising little ones takes superhuman effort.
Happy birthday! I am/was in a nearly identical situation to you three months ago and decided to begin taking a low dose of SSRI. I’m so, so glad I did – getting the prescription was pretty easy, and within a week my worries felt more manageable. I still find plenty to feel bad about, but my bad feelings are much less painful, if that makes any sense. Anyway, I wish I had allowed myself to pursue medication earlier instead of suffering for months, so I wanted to share and let you know about my experience. Hope you find some respite!
You definitely said everything most of us are feeling! I hope that the 24 hours away alone is helpful for you! Remember in all of this crazy, it important to care for yourself too! It’s ok to cry and it’s ok to be pissed. I had a baby during quarantine also and have 2 other littles and I try to remember each day that even though the world is a tough place right now, at least we are in this together as a family. Social media totally sucks right now and so does the news so I try and stay away from both! I’m an infection control nurse going back to work next week after maternity leave and I’m anxious to get the “real” story of what is actually going on and not the one the media is portraying. Anyway, happy birthday, get done rest, enjoy your wine, she’d done years and hopefully you come home rejuvenated.
I have found Amy Taylor Kabbaz’s podcasts and blogs extremely helpful with learning how to adapt to and ‘be’ in motherhood. Her insights have been spot on for me and I’ve shed a few tears listening to her. I wish I’d found her earlier. http://www.amytaylorkabbaz.com
Man, this shit is hard right now. Wishing you many birthday blessings, even if it takes a while for them to show up.
Happy Birthday fellow Leo (mine is on the 21st)!! Good for you for knowing exactly what you need & asking for it! I hope you enjoy your day of rest and relaxation and leave feeling recharged and like your old self again 😘
I had horrible panic attacks and anxiety after my son was born .Thankfully with medication, therapy and lots of support from my family ,I got through it and was fine. It was one of the hardest times of my life though ,and I can’t imagine having to go through it in these times. Even now ,years later after many years without medication the shit show that is our daily reality ,set off my anxiety ,and I had to go back on medication to get it under control. No matter how I spin this ,it is hard to see an upside sometimes in our new reality . Then I remember to just slow down and breathe ,my family is healthy ,we have plenty of food ,a house and my husband and I both still have jobs, This does help ,along with regular exercise ,to keep me calm. I am still unable to pay attention to anything for long.I am only able to watch my old comfort movies and reread old books I love.I cannot read or watch anything heavy, or apparently take in anything new . You have accomplished so much and have so much on your plate now ,take some time if you need it ! I have followed you for years and will continue to do so ,so if you need a break from your blog do it.Have a Happy Birthday ! Enjoy your 24 hours ,you deserve it !
Nothing lasts forever. Your children will be grown and left home before you know it. The pandemic will also come to an end and your Election will be over. Don’t watch too much news, stay off social media and please for the sake of your amazing Country, please vote. Oh two more things. Breathe and don’t think too much.
Three months old will be a big turning point for Emma and you! Just like that, I promise. And if it actually takes a year, so what! Take the year! You’ll never have this time again. Covid is beyond comprehension and having little children now must be the most challenging time ever. But the country will find a way back. You will find your way back , one foot in front of the other. I know you!
Remember how loved and admired you are, beautiful girl!
I hope you are able to reset, even if it’s just temporary. I’m feeling so heavy because of all the things you mentioned, plus worrying about my kids’ quality of education this school year. I’ve never felt so unsettled.
Self care. If you don’t take care of you, you can’t be there for everyone else depending on you.
Brilliant idea of a way to celebrate your birthday! As the saying goes, you need to take care of yourself, before you can take care of others. As now a grandma, I can only recall those early days balancing life with two little ones!
You are doing a great job! Thanks for your honesty and candor. It helps us all feel less alone in this sh*t! Happy birthday!
Thanks for being honest, open, and vulnerable. It’s not just you-the world is a shitshow and we are on a rudderless ship. Take care of yourself and and enjoy that yummy hotel bed!
In March I started to have panic attacks thinking about an uncertain future. Someone told me to literally take it ONE day at a time. I have followed that advice and just live on the present day. I realized right now I don’t have control over nothing so I had to let it go. It has been a liberating feeling. Are we healthy TODAY? Check. Have a roof? Check. Food? Check, and so on. Should any sort of crisis happen I will deal with that in the moment, not a second before. So far it has done the trick.
Best of wishes for a peaceful birthday!
I 100% agree with your first paragraph. For me the other thing that is so troublesome is the level of meanness occurring. And there seems to be no end in sight.
I totally understand. When I had two little ones, my work supervisor said that we might have to cancel an upcoming cross country business trip, and I almost started crying. Darn it, I NEEDED that cross country flight with a stack of magazines, hotel stay, and room service breakfast. Never mind the actual paid work I’d have to do; it was nothing compared to the work of an infant and a toddler!
Hi Erin – Yes, things are very hard right now but those early years with the kiddos are SUPER hard for some of us – even without the pandemic and the insane politics – so I’m glad to hear you’re giving yourself some grace and time alone to rest. A couple of things – mantras, if you will – that help me are “things never stay the same so if you don’t like how things are, know that they will change.” Of course the opposite is true , too, “If you like things the way they are, enjoy! They will change…” The second thought that I keep repeating is “Is this moment ok? Because this moment is all I’m promised.” Often times the moment is fine – I just get super stressed thinking about the future. Anyway, I hope those two things are helpful. Hang in there – I promise you things will change! :D
I literally said to my husband the other day, part of me wants to go stay a night in a nice hotel downtown, drink champagne and order take out and lay in the middle of the big white fluffy bed. I’m totally with you. I used to travel a good amount, too, so I’m really missing some alone / not in my house time!! ENJOY!!
Enjoy your birthday and take time for yourself. I find that “things” bother me more if I am tired so a good nights sleep may do the trick. Unfortunately we are stuck until the time that we can make a change in November. We should all take a collective breath and hold on as the ride will be rocky for a while but I am hopeful that a change’s gonna come, oh, yes, it will! Try to help in whatever way you can as that will go along way to address that feeling of helplessness and frustration.
I couldn’t agree more! Last week was hard… I finally felt like I just couldn’t take all the things any longer. Last year for my birthday I got a hotel away from my husband and 2 kiddos (which I adore) because I just needed to reset and slow down and be quiet. It was a game changer and I hope your stay is as well!
Happy Birthday! This sounds like a great way to spend it, and to get a reset. I don’t usually comment, but I want to say: Everyone feels this way right now. I have 2 teenagers and I’m freaking out constantly and can’t focus on work, and am not eating enough vegetables, and haven’t read a book in months… And all my friends are the same. It is overwhelming, it is scary, and I am exhausted and I get a lot more sleep than you must be getting with a newborn. Hang in there, and please know it’s hard on everyone right now too, we all feel like this, and we’re all barely holding it together. Regarding social media – remember: everyone is not what they post to be.
Have a happy birthday, and have some cake and make a birthday wish. Birthday wishes must come true this year, we’re owed at least that!
Erin, this resonates so much. You are right, this is a really difficult time, in so many ways. It’s overwhelming when I stop to actually think about it. Also, my daughters are 10 and 8. When my 8 year old was about 6 months, I spent the night in a nice hotel not far from home, just to get some space save my sanity. My husband travels a ton for work, and I remember feeling like I just needed to sleep in peace and regroup. It helped so much. So did the wine and cake I had while watching a movie ;) Enjoy your getaway and have an awesome Birthday. Hoping a year from now, this mess we are all in will be behind us.
My dear, sweet Erin,
I have been following you for years and am sending this message with love. I too struggled to have my babies (not to the same extent as you, though) and have suffered with anxiety. I also have experienced postpartum depression and I think that may be what you are experiencing. These are unhappy days for certain and I am in an area of very few cases and am not raising two little ones, so I can’t fully put myself in your shoes. Despite the current situation, if you are feeling a need to “just be left alone”, feelings of hopelessness, feeling like you can’t cope. Maybe even feeling like your husband is a better father than you are mother. If a little time away doesn’t relieve these feelings, please consider that it might be postpartum. If it is, and I mean no insult, you might be struggling to make good choices ( a wonderful side effect of depression) so trusted help is required. I was afraid to take meds because I wanted to nurse my baby but looking back, the best interest of my baby and my 4 year old son would have been better served by a Mom who felt herself and skipped the breast feeding. I am so sorry that you are dealing with all the world is throwing at us , I hope you feel better soon and I hope I have not insulted or offended you. I admire you and would never want to upset you, just wanting to help xoxo
I have admitted fully I have PPD/PPA. Only on Instagram and not really here, maybe I should write about it here too. I’m getting help, in many ways (medically and with the kids) and thank you for your worry and kind wishes. Xo
Erin, what a brilliant idea to ask for some peace and desperately needed rest on your birthday.
My children are young adults and they feel the weight of all of this even more so than I do. I hope and pray that the young people whose immediate and longer term futures are so directly threatened by the scary state of world will rise up make change. In the span of 3. 5 years since you-know-who took office, it feels (on some days) hopeless. : (
Bravo! As I pack up two of my sons to move them into college dorms, I am feeling overwhelmed and FREAKED out! Thank you for saying what all of us are feeling right now! Behind these masks we are wearing to keep ourselves and others safe, I think we are all hiding our collective worry. Cheers to a healthy birthday, a day to just be you! And thank you for posting honesty and sincerity!
I keep thinking that I’m handling things really well, but I have had stress/anxiety dreams almost every night for the past 2 weeks (teeth falling out, dying, you name it!). It is so scary right now. I hope you have a great birthday and that this year gets a little bit better for all of us.
I feel the exact same way. Had my 50th birthday and just wanted to go to a hotel and be alone for 24 hours to escape the insanity. Therapy helps. Binge watching Downton Abbey also helps, especially when you watch them freak out over new-fangled inventions like the sewing machine or radio. That gets a big laugh.
Happy birthday. This is hard. I feel the same way. I’m currently home alone now while my husband is at the beach with our three kids because I needed to be alone, take a shower in peace and also have a good cry. I keep holding onto hope that good things will come from this at some point, but that is getting harder each day when something new and horrible happens. Take care of you!
Even if you stop posting for a while, we’ll be here for you when you come back. Whenever you are ready to come back. Personally, I enjoy your Henry and Emma posts/Insta stores as much as your more professional content. They are a cute, bright spot in my Instagram feed.
Yes, the world does seem really dark right now and it is okay to stop and cry and breathe.
Happy Birthday!
What a brilliant birthday plan! You relax, cry, decompress and, hopefully, emerge feeling positive about what’s to come for your and your family in the next year and if you need to treat yourself to a pair of literal rose-colored glasses, you go right ahead!
Happy Birthday!
Its fine to take a mental health break. You have a new baby, covid, toddler, society going to hell etc etc etc.
I hope you can relax . Remember every time you express your anxiety it takes a bit of that burden from you. So keep exoressing loud and clear to all around you, this blog etc. Well done! Hang in there. I think everyone is struggling right now.
Loved that post! Why? Because it is so honest and real. You are definitely not alone feeling all those feelings. I just got back from my daughter’s, who had a 6 week early baby (doing well), and all the regular hard stuff is just amplified with covid. Glad you are getting some much needed alone time. Happy Birthday anyway!! Because every Birthday is a celebration of all your accomplishments….even the really hard ones.
How right you are, Erin! It feels like we are living life in slow motion, REALLY slow motion and there are days when I feel like we are never going to feel normal again. The only things that give me pleasure these days are shopping (which is not good for my bank account) and food (which is not good for my expanding waistline)! I think your birthday treat to yourself is perfect and we should all embrace self care. In fact, I’m going to plan a self care retreat with my bestie (whose husband is dying of cancer) and get away to a fabulous hotel, packing only pajamas and wine and focus on her so THANK YOU for the idea! WE WILL ALL get through this . . . I hope you have a wonderfully relaxing birthday!! Mega mega hugs and love to you!
Erin, your honesty and insight are so good. Happy Birthday and I hope you get the peace you deserve and need tonight.
In the spirit of doing what we want on our birthdays (mine is August 8), I realized last week that my favorite part of a throwing any party is designing the invite and amassing the guest list, both of which I can still do even in a pandemic. So today I sent out an invite to an Imaginary Party (no date, time or place, no mention of my birthday). I could invite EVERYONE, no matter where they live, because….no one was coming! And reading people’s replies will be a great secret birthday gift.
First- Happy Birthday!! Second- Thank you for your honest post. The world has become a crazy place. I’ve cried more that last few months than in all of my years. You’re not alone in any of your feelings. You’re doing an amazing job handling a newborn, toddler, work, blog, etc. This pandemic has just thrown us all off our tracks. I hope your day is filled with sleep, relaxation and everything all about you!
Good for you! Enjoy your 24 hours!
Happy birthday!
Stop blogging for awhile and take care of yourself. We will all wait for you to come back
Thank you for this honest post. Hugs…you are not alone!
that sounds like the best birthday quarantine EVER. every year for mother’s day my husband asks what I want and I say, to be left alone by everyone for at least half a day. and yes, I do see the irony of this.
I’ve also said the phrase “to hell in a handbasket” more in the last 4 months than in my entire life. So much that I have even dissected the actual handbasket. Is it like Dorothy’s from the Wizard of Oz with a navy and white handkerchief and cute dog? Or is it straight out of Nantucket with a light blue and white bow and hydrangeas? :):) At least once a day, I go up to my room and stare at the ceiling. I feel sorry for myself and the world. And then I feel guilty for not feeling more grateful for all I have around me. I totally understand and relate to everything you are saying, and I do feel, while it is important to keep a close eye on our mental health, it is also “normal” what so many of us are going through in a time like this, especially with small children entering the world. I am holding out hope, though, despite it all. Happy Birthday.
Friend,
Lower your standards. and take it one day at a time.
Also, as absurd as this will sound at this time, tell yourself and repeat out loud: “All is well”
Your subconscious will respond in kind, you may feel more at peace immediately. Enjoy your bath while you center yourself in yourself, also that glass of wine. Thank you for sending out love. Back at ya xo
Erin, I so appreciate your brutal honesty with how you are feeling and it’s one reason I’m a loyal follower of your blog and social media plus your design skills are bananas. I’m usually an optimist and am having a hard time having hope for the future. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare – everytime I turn around it’s something else to worry or freak out about. I also have 2 children and am concerned about their future with what is going on in our country and world right now. Thank you for opening up this space for people to express themselves and to support each other. Also, thank you for sharing Henry and Emma with us – they are adorable. Enjoy your day to yourself – that sounds like the perfect birthday gift! Sending a virtual hug to you from Arizona where it’s hot as hell right now!
Oh Erin, I’m right there with you. I was so so desperate to get away. We had 4 days by the coast which was fantastic. I had a nasty flare of my chronic illness when we got back, I think my body was saying it had had enough and needed more than 4 days. Further resting has helped.
Everything is scary and overwhelming. I feel like I’m in a chrysalis, desperately pushing to get out, but I don’t know what getting out looks like!
Rest, relax, have a lovely birthday, good cry, hot bath, scented candle. We’re all in this together x
Just started following the blog recently (although I’ve spent hours pouring over your books – at my daughter’s house. And yes, I need to buy copies for myself!) I’m another older demographic commenter – in this case, old enough to be your mother – and am observing the same scenarios you describe in the pandemic-period work/home/young family life of our daughter and son-in-law. You’re doing exactly the right thing for your birthday, so a) enjoy! ; and b) get lots of rest. I’m appreciating more than ever before the value of sleep, and downtime, so if fewer blogposts, or social media generally, is the result, don’t sweat it, and don’t feel guilty. I’ve become a big fan of stopping regularly, during this crazy time, to think about what – and who – I’m grateful for. Even if it’s sometimes for the littlest, seemingly most insignificant things, it does seem to result in more moments of peace and calm, …and yes, – even a little optimism! So here’s one of mine for today: grateful for your heartfelt post, and your beautiful, inspiring books.
I feel the same way. It is like high noon. We are seeing the intense contrast between light and dark, good and bad (I’d even say evil). As always, thank you for your honesty. I find it healthy. I feel that there are lots of people walking around right now that are not even aware that they are having mental health issues so they are acting out in the craziest of ways, which makes things even harder. So much gaslighting. I’m in Minneapolis. There is an overwhelming amount of pain. There is also an overwhelming amount of selfishness at the same time. It’s a daily effort to stay centered and grounded during these times. It takes a huge amount of strength to post this and live authentically. Thank you for doing that. Blessings to you and your family.
Hang in there — yes, this is a tough time but adding a new baby, lack of sleep and the related hormonal changes is sure to aggravate it even more. Have a wonderful birthday and enjoy your “me” time to decompress and take time for you. Sending you socially distanced well wishes!
The pandemic makes everything twice as hard. Practice good self-care as much as you can. Give yourself some grace, and time, and rest, and things will slowly, slowly, slowly get sunnier.
Happy Birthday Erin! Enjoy your rest. I hope you feel refreshed and renewed. What works for me is writing out my thoughts. A journal, spiral notebook, a pen and a scented candle work wonders. Enjoy!
I get that you’re scared. The US is not handling this crisis well. Time to vote for change!
I’m the meantime, turn off the news and spend quality time with your family, put social media aside, get out in the fresh air, take the time to exercise or meditate, have that glass or three of wine and see if that improves your outlook. I hope your staycation leaves you well rested. Happy Birthday Erin!
Happy Birthday, and you are doing a great job!!! It is a lot. A friend of mine writes haikus for fun and posted this one recently:
in 2020
we deserve a trophy for
participation
Seems appropriate for all of us. Enjoy your day off – it sounds perfect!
I love this poem.
Started yesterday 8/4 for me. Just an emotional basket case. Then I saw the full moon. Could be cause or at least related. So keep that in mind. Nevertheless, emotions are heavy today as well. For me, it doesn’t help that I discovered I have a collapsed service line and it has taken me a month to find a plumber who will fix it sooner rather than October! My 1908 home is sucking me dry. Always something new. Replacing my windows? No New shades? Of course not. Update my bedroom? Are you kidding? The upcoming plumbing bill has priority now. In the meantime, flooding from May rains put my finished basement into disarray. That’s where my home office is. Fortunately, that room wasn’t touched. However, it is still piled high with Christmas crates and other boxes saved from the flooding. I go back to work soon. I’m a teacher. So I have to get on cleaning up the basement and getting my office as well as creating a space for my kiddo to do virtual learning. Feeling pretty miserable myself. Thanks for letting me vent.
Yup. My sewer line collapsed last week and before that the compressor blew up. I just remind myself that winter always turns to Spring and take one day at a time.
Sweet Erin, We are definitely living in unsettling times and I am a HUGE worrier and have to continually give myself pep talks to tell myself that everything is going to be ok. I have found that keeping as normal a schedule as possible with family, friends and work keeps my anxiety and worry to a manageable level. Also, I limit my news time and try to only read from trusted, non-biased (which are hard to find!) sources. Much of the media wants to keep us in upheaval and scared out of our wits. Spend time doing what you and your family love and turn off the news. Enjoy this time with Henry and Emma and focus on the positive. You are a fantastic wife, daughter and mom so you need to relish your awesomeness! You have many fans who love you!!!
Thinking of you. Hoping you can have a ‘reset’ and feel better! Enjoy the me time. Don’t feel the need to produce on our account—we’ll be here when you’re ready. ❤️🎂🎈🎉
Amen, sister. I delivered my beautiful girl on 9/11 (the 9/11) so I get it. It’s a lot and while you should be able to laser focus on the joys of this new family unit you fought so hard to have, there are ton of distractions and not many of them jump out as joyful. Platitudes abound but hear me when I say that postpartum depression shit be real and don’t wait until you’re in it. Get on some happy stuff now whatever that may be. Wine, alone time and all that is essential but right now you need some bigger guns in the fight to stay happy. That family needs you and YOU NEED YOU : ) I have not been on “anti-depressants” since that time and they worked so well when I needed them to. Hope you have a happy day, many happy days and not necessarily on your birthday. Any day will do.
Tomorrow is my birthday too as well as Andy Warhol and Lucille Ball! I love being a Leo. Be kind to yourself, Erin. Restoration/time to yourself is a priority when you are a mother of young children and deprived of your creative outlet. I think your birthday plan sounds perfect!
Get some sleep, you deserve this break!
This is exactly what I ask for Mother’s Day E.V.E.R.Y. YEAR! I just need to sleep in and not answer any questions. I hope that you find your 24 hours more restful and re-energizing than you can imagine.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ERIN!
Hi Erin, Thank you for this post. Unlike you, I am typically a glass have full and running down the street like a friggin river and I am so bereft right now I can hardly cope. It is actually scary how bad I feel and how I don’t see any end in sight. I am 20+ years older than you and I have never before felt so helpless about our country and so scared about how people are going to survive and take care of and feed their kids. I have a new grandson from my oldest and his wife and another grandson from my second son and his wife who is due to be born tomorrow and I just cannot stop worrying about the present and the future. I don’t have any answers but it does help to know that our feelings are being reflected back by others who (like you and me) have so much to be thankful for. I am glad that you are looking to self care to provide some relief. Wishing you a soothing and quiet birthday and may we all feel some sense of hopefulness soon.
Amen – just had this EXACT convo with a friend. Literally. I hung up from her and saw this post. She told me to take a week from social media and the news and just breath deeply and work in the yard and putter around the house. Post partem must make it even worse – for me it’s a huge grief trigger. We have to remember – the pendulum always swings back in this country. Things always calm down. It’s going to be ok. And those of use who are PROS at DISASTERIZING (ahem – me and you) need to step away…
So happy birthday baby and we will see you on the other side….❤️👍🏻✌🏻👌🏻
Stay off social media. ALL social media. Seriously limit your daily news intake to whatever makes sense for you (read only 1 article, watch only 10 minutes of the news, etc.). Talk to friends and family over the phone, rather than only texting. Find a support group. And also a good therapist. I don’t know that many of us are built for this much trauma, even if most of the trauma is experienced second-hand. Give back to something that is deeply important to you, even if giving back right now means you are only able to write a check. It helps. If you can, find something that brings you solace that can be done safely. Maybe it’s gardening (even if it’s just a container garden). Or walking around the block. Whatever it is, do it regularly. And ask for help. However you can, and however that looks to you. This is weirdly both a sprint and a marathon, and none of us can get through it alone.
Thanks Lisa! My friend told me similar things in our phone convo. I have had several family members beg me to step away. And I have had facetime with my grief therapist twice in the last month. I live one of the cities that is being dismantled and it is hard to watch helplessly. Those of us deep thinkers are having a very hard time right now, my therapist says she is swamped….Thanks for the good advice and positive suggestions. I am going on a “no politics, none of the time” retreat soon with some ladies. I am thankful I am able to step away. It should be refreshing and calming.
PS – Lauren is right – get a massage…it will help.
Thank you for sharing this. I feel the exact same way and I haven’t had a baby for almost 18 years. I’m moving one to college…with a mask and a Covid test and I can’t even go into the dorm at the same time as my husband. We have 1 hour to make it happen. Then what? Do they learn online? Do I come home and cry? Plans for empty nesting with both boys out of the house are seeming pointless with the world in shambles. 2020 has been cancelled. My heart is heavy and I hear you! I hope you get some sleep and feel a bit lighter after a short break. Happy Birthday!
We are all feeling absolutely stunned, scared and depressed about what is happening in the world right now. And, I can’t imagine having a new baby on top of it. I definitely had post-partum depression, big time. Glad you can take a day and escape. As far as social media goes, it is impossible to keep up. I gave up. Occasionally blog post on my website, but that is it. Hang in there, stay healthy!
Good. For you Erin. Take some time for yourself and please remember all you have accomplished in your life. With your work And your books you have provided inspiration and beauty for many many people. I am old enough to be your grandmother. A frequent reader of your blog and have both of your books in my study. I frequently reference them when I am working on a home project with my own designer ( a relationship of 25 years. Interesting to see how we have both evolved and how some pieces still remain classic ). Plant your feet on the ground. Or maybe an ottoman And stay strong. Enjoy your getaway.
Happy Birthday! And 24 hours of solitude sounds like the best gift … one that would totally make Oprah’s Favorite Things list 2020!
I so remember those postpartum times, even though they happened 36 years ago!
Be kind to yourself and wallow in it. So glad that you’re able to physically go somewhere alone for a day.
Breathing helps too!
Thank you for sharing because it totally legitimizes how lots of us feel. Last week I had an ugly cry. Prior to that I researched symptoms of depression. How is one to know right now?! Is it allergies or Covid? Is it depression or just a bunch of really bad days linked together? You sharing and being vulnerable here is just the right kind of showing up and blogging we all need. Life is really hard right now. There is no certainty and we have lost faith in a lot of people both leading us and next to us.
I hope you have a wonderful and relaxing birthday. This self care sounds like something I might try tomorrow. And then put on repeat until we are at concerts and hugging people again.
Happy birthday, Erin! VOTE! That’s what we can do right now. Rise up, Hamilton-style and VOTE. Hey yo, we’re just like our country, we’re young, scrappy, and hungry. :)
I am right there with you. I’ve been feeling down and couldn’t put my finger on why, then it occurred to me there’s a freaking global pandemic (with, let’s be honest, completely inept leadership) that feels like there’s no end in sight, I don’t know what to do about school (homeschool how exactly?!), and my home, where I normally take solace and refuge is a disaster due to a renovation we’ve been living with for the past 3 months. OF COURSE I’m feeling down. And of course you are too! Things are sh!tty right now! An evening away sounds like just what the doctor ordered and I hope you enjoy it – you deserve it! And know that things will get better. They have to.
I hear you Erin! My baby girl turned 7 weeks today. My 3.5 year old twins, our nanny, the nanny’s puppy, my husband and I are all home, and the twins have started gravitating towards my husband since I am always breastfeeding the baby, which really stinks. I am praying that the daycares stay open so they can go back in early September. My husband and I are going to take a day trip sans kids before I return to work; you may want to consider that too to preserve your sanity.
Stay strong and take care of yourself, mama.
Happy birthday, Erin! Hope you enjoy a glorious night of alone time and rest. The world is insane and scary. I think all of us are feeling anxious right now – I can’t imagine adding in post-baby hormones (which are no joke!)
Oh Erin – I feel your pain and I am not postpartum!! The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to take care of yourself. Thank you for your honesty. We are all here for you!!! Enjoy your birthday escape!
First- Take a deep breath! Second, give yourself that break. You most definitely deserve it. Erin, you just summed up how most of us feel, and most of us did NOT just have a sweet baby!
Happy Birthday! ❤️
I didn’t watch the news for 10 days while out of town – why did I start again when I came home? It doesn’t help! A night alone on cool sheets in a lovely hotel room sounds wonderful – we all need a break and to give ourselves a “break”. This is hard and no one knows what to do any more than you do. Kiss your babies and your husband and enjoy your time. You deserve it. :). Happy Birthday!
Thank you for your honesty about motherhood made all the more complex and hard right now. There’s grace in verbalizing our lived experiences. I try to tell all my mom friends this as often as I can … you’re doing an amazing job. Taking care of yourself is part of the job of being a mom.
I have found that not watching the news is helpful. I read a few articles a day. It’s important to remember that the media exploits anything that might create emotional outrage or fear regardless of bias. Unfortunately the uplifting story doesn’t get the same attention, but I assure you they are out there! We all need to step back and live in our own reality and be thankful for what we have. I had a massage 2 weeks ago and it definitely helped. Things will get better, they always do. Everyday is a gift. Happy Birthday!
I haven’t watched any network news in three months. Done with Hollywood and all that nonsense too. Best thing I could have ever done. Empowered….and free
I get that too much of the news is focused on rating and clickbait, and it’s a problem that has been a long time in the making, but I hate it when “the media” gets painted with such a broad brush. My husband worked in newspapers for years and his colleagues were some of the most intelligent, dedicated, and ethical people I have ever met. It’s really not the media’s fault that so much of the news is so crappy right now and we’d all be living in a dark hole of disinformation without the media. Kind of like shooting the messenger, right?
Absolute truth !!! Thank God for investigative reporting !!! There is sooo much disinformation floating around !!! NO IT”S NOT THE MEDIA AT FAULT !!!!
Happy birthday Erin !
Agreed. It’s not the media. They are reporting the shitshow happening and exposing much of the corruption in the White House. I am thankful for them. s
Thank you for saying what so many of us are feeling. The world seems like a terrible place right now and I am having a hard time drumming up any optimism. So glad to hear you are taking a day for yourself – maybe I’ll have to steal your idea!
You’re not alone and don’t feel bad. Please enjoy your respite, you definitely deserve this time to yourself and it will be the best thing you can do for your family. This is such a crazy time and I don’t know how parents can even deal. We don’t have children but do have eldery parents 1 in assisted living and 2 in a retirement community both with restrictions. It’s so hard to get a grip on it all.
Cheers to you!
God bless us all.
L