The Unthinkable.
I can think of no sadder story than the one of the Clancy family that broke last week in Duxbury, MA. Being local, it hit close to home. And I myself being a mother who suffered from postpartum mental issues, it has triggered strong emotions in me. I could not stop thinking about that family all weekend, and engaged in many discussions with other women over IG about this story, including some people close to the family. And I will say this – EVERYONE in this story is a victim. EVERYONE. Those beautiful children, the husband, their entire extended family, friends, co-workers and important to note vocally, Lindsay herself. There is not one singular person to be sad for, we can and should be sad for every single person touched by this horrible situation.
A mother killing her children is horrific. Make no mistake about that. It is one of the most heartbreaking scenarios I can think of. But what’s also heartbreaking is thinking about the knowledge that awaits Lindsay when and if she wakes up. Not much is being confirmed about this story in the press, but it is clear from Patrick Clancy’s incredibly graceful, emotional statement and insights from others – Lindsay was not in her right mind when this happened. This was a psychotic break with reality caused by post-partum mental disorder. And before we delve into this discussion, we need to define what Post Partum Psychosis is in contrast to Post Partum Depression and Post Partum Anxiety, as they are vastly different. A psychologist who messaged me specifically asked me to call out how RARE PPP is in contrast to how common PPD and PPA are. This is not a case of “the baby blues” (I hate that term) – this is a true psychotic episode in which the person most likely has no idea what they are doing. There are true murderous monsters in this world, I’m not naive to that obviously, but I truly do not believe that to be the case in this scenario. It is very clear from all the information we have, that this woman loved her children, and that is what makes it all the more gut wrenching. I can not imagine a living hell worse than her current reality.
As I’ve mentioned before, I suffered from PPD/PPA with both kids, although I didn’t really realize I did with Henry until after the fact, as many women do. I’ve been in treatment for General Anxiety Disorder since I was a teenager, so I assumed it was just “amped up a little” after having a baby. But it was way more than that. And then with Emma it hit full force and I was aware of what it was. Having lost so many pregnancies before her, which made we worried the entire pregnancy, in combination with having a toddler, running a busy business AND being in the thick of a isolating global pandemic at the time of her birth – it was a ripe time for it to manifest. And it did. And I immediately asked for help. I stopped breastfeeding after 3 weeks (GUILT) because I needed to go back on medication that wasn’t safe for breastfeeding. I hired extra help, even a night nurse (EXTRA GUILT), but it literally saved my life. I had a therapist (who doesn’t take insurance, as many don’t), amazing doctors and an incredibly helpful husband. That is to say I had every possible privilege known to man at my disposal, and my children were DESPERATELY wanted – and yet it was still very hard. And it unravels me to think about the fact that many/most women do not have the same options.
And what gets me deep down is the knowledge that Lindsay DID get help. She was actively getting help, despite chatter to the contrary. She was a labor and delivery nurse – someone well versed in post partum care and the realities of mental disorders and easily able to access care. To read comments in news articles from people assuming she didn’t get help and just killed her children because it was “too hard” makes me absolutely go blind with rage. First of all, how dare any of us assume anything in this situation. It’s beyond words. This is a tragedy from start to finish and the only thing we as humans should be offering up is support, an attempt at understanding that there are things we will NEVER understand, and prayer (if that’s your thing).
The pressure on new mothers to be everything to their children and families along with the absolute rollercoaster of hormonal shifts in the post-partum period are sometimes insurmountable and sometimes just a blip. Some women never feel anything but bliss and a little exhaustion, others are able to weather the tough days and night without issue, while others spend hours crying in the bathroom because they can’t figure out why they can’t bond with their baby and if they will ever feel like themselves again. And then sadly, there is a VERY SMALL percentage who become very ill. But all women deserve to be cared for without shame or guilt. All women need extra support and guidance through the early years of a child’s life. Not just a pamphlet as you leave the hospital suggesting you call this number if you feel sad – but real, pro-active, attentive care. If you or someone you love is struggling with any post-partum issues you can start here. But we need more than a helpline, we need some REAL CHANGE regarding the care of women after giving birth. It’s a huge sacrifice physically, emotionally and mentally and creates real medical issues that deserve attention and policy change.
I ask that at this time, we all just send love and support to Patrick and the Clancy family as they navigate the unimaginable road ahead. Check on your friends. Check on your family. Love your babies as best you can. It does get better, but only if we care for one another.
XO
Given the nature of this topic, any comments that are deemed cruel or deeply insensitive will be deleted at my discretion.
Browse:
Certainly this is a tragedy, but as is shown by her waiting till her husband left (and possibly orchestrating him leaving if you can believe news reports) she had some level of awareness of right and wrong.
Thank you for discussing this. I had a close friend suffer with PPP and was hospitalized for her psychosis. Thank goodness hers didn’t manifest into harm to her or the baby as everyone around her – myself included – were clueless about what to do until it was at the breaking point. PPP is rarely discussed and no one recognized how serious it was until it did hit the breaking point. The more it’s discussed, the more it may help friends/family recognize it and quickly get the mother the help she needs.
You are smart, beautiful, talented, and most of all kind. This is incredibly well said. Thank you. Too many of us can empathize.
Thank you for your perfectly written response to a tragic situation. I had many of the symptoms you mention, and find your insight to be perceptive, heartfelt, and enlightening. A lot of people read your blog- you have been brave in sharing your story and have helped not only other women, but shed light on the need for real, genuine help and to take the situation seriously. Thank you.
Thank you for this thoughtful post! 💕
Thank you
Thank you, Erin. I live in Massachusetts, had PPA with both of my daughters, and am gutted by this story as well. It has struck me that we are so ready to blame individuals for these crimes but rarely the systems and folks in power that enable them. I do not blame her, who was not from all evidence in her right mind: I condemn the clinicians who sent her home, otthe perhaps the insurance rubber stamp manager who denied her care (speculation), and the lack of postpartum care in general that doesn’t even check in on women, not once in my experience, after birth. I blame us always blaming women for their suffering. Truly, this act was a failure of a system, not an individual unwell mother. We cannot change what she did, but we can work to be outraged at the system that allowed her to do what she did. The powers that be would probably love us to raise our torches at the monster of this woman, to ignore the broken system that ignores mental health. I think if anything positive can come out of this horrific tragedy it is an awareness of how poorly we care for women postpartum especially, and how deadly that systemic nonchalance can be.
It’s a shame that she didn’t get the right help, she clearly should have been in the hospital for treatment. As someone who suffered from a bad case of depression, I ended up hospitalized but not voluntarily. It took a suicide attempt to get me admitted. Prior to that, everyone was telling me to go to the hospital but I was so out of touch with reality at that point ugh, what a hot mess I was. I had ECT treatments which saved my life. It’s been 5 years and I am doing great, taking way less meds now. I was 60 at the time and never had any issues prior, although mental illness runs in my family. (mom had multiple cases including postpartum) This just makes me so darn sad, to know she was in such a dark place and didn’t get the proper help in time. Thanks for having so much compassion for this situation. Many people are so quick to judge and unless you have dealt with mental illness in one way or another you really don’t understand. It can happen to anyone.
This is a beautiful post, and I empathize with anyone and everyone suffering mental-health issues. They have rocked my family for years, and very few offer compassion to the ones who are sick and need support. Thank you for being someone who sees the other side and shares it.
Just, Thank You. 🙏🏼
Erin,
You should be a writer !! You did a masterful job of stating the issues and then applying enormous empathy to a situation that seems incomprehensible. I applaud you for addressing PPP & PPD from your perspective as a young mother of young children. You have provided a great service to us all 💗
Noel
Thank you so much for posting this. As another local person, I’ve also been absolutely gutted with this news and thank your for your compassion, for highlighting this very real, complex, horrible situation and for everyone to reach out.
You did a beautiful job writing this. It truly brought me to tears. So many mental health issues are brushed under the carpet. People need to talk about it and shouldn’t be afraid to share their experiences so that everyone know that they aren’t alone. My heart breaks for this family.
Hi Erin,
Thanks for speaking on this subject. What a heartbreaking story. And you are correct in stating that postpartum psychosis is not anything like postpartum depression, although that can be horrible on it’s own standing. I worked as a psychiatric nurse on an inpatient unit on the psychosis team for over a decade. I only witnessed one woman ever admitted with Post Partum psychosis. It was truly frightening. She was just as psychotic, delusional, paranoid, and potentially dangerous as any schizophrenia patient I ever admitted. It took several weeks with medication and round-the-clock monitoring to get her anywhere near herself again. and when she did, it was like meeting her for the first time. Also, no family history or previous mental illness. I feel for her family. An absolute tragedy.
We had this in Houston years back same exact thing Except the woman never bounced back and spent years in a mental institute In the end she was never rehabilitated She had a monstrous mental Illness Her husband eventually remarried It was so tragic Scary Made me worry about my daughter trying now to have a baby I’m not sure it would be best for her to wake up Life is going to be so horrible for her Just a complete and utter tragedy But so is mental Illness
Thank you for always willing to talk about the hard things… because if you don’t, who will? I enjoy following you for all of your design and ALSO appreciate how you utilize your platform to bring more awareness to issues you feel passionately and have a connection.
Amen. So well said, Erin. Thank you.
Just wanted to share the podcast, mom & mind, which is hosted by a psychologist who specializes in maternal mental health. It’s a great resource where lots of maternal mental health conditions are discussed from a clinical, empathetic, professional pov. I first became aware of PPP.
Also just a quick note that parents who don’t give birth can suffer from post postpartum mental health conditions as well (it’s not all dependent on the hormones of birth/pregnancy). This includes intended parents (of babies born through a gestational carrier), adoptive parents and partners of a birthing parent.
I hope Patrick Clancy has the opportunity to read these beautiful words and finds some comfort in the compassion and support you have shared on behalf of all of us. Thank you.
I’ve been so undone by this. Thanks for your beautiful words xxx
Thank you for sharing this, Erin. It’s all so well said. I had a friend experience postpartum psychosis and they sought out help right away but the system doesn’t work like people might think and it took the better part of a year for her to recover even with inpatient treatment. People just don’t understand it unless they’ve experienced something similar or know someone who has. I’m so heartbroken for the entire Clancy family and appreciate you bringing awareness to the issue.
As always, your comment, on this sad and sensitive subject, is so very thoughtful. This dear family is going to need a world of support, every day, moving forward. So many women would be helped, post pregnancy, if only these issues were addressed openly.
I didn’t know about this tragedy until I read your post. Tragic & heartbreaking& horrific for all involved- really appreciate the depth of your empathy & compassion.
Thank you for sharing this. This is a story that hits very close to home. I am a nurse at MGH and mother of two. I also know the father from childhood. I wonder if you might share their go fund me. https://www.gofundme.com/f/patrick-clancy-donations?utm_campaign=m_pd+share-sheet&utm_content=undefined&utm_medium=copy_link_all&utm_source=customer&utm_term=undefined&fbclid=IwAR042B64tTG-qgwwvpQ3N3kN8f1ivBBjIluovVGCc0wS4qXYlKqEB17GwzM&mibextid=Zxz2cZ
Beautiful, honest, and compassionate writing. Thank you for it.One area greatly in need of support is research into postpartum psychiatric disorders. This is an area in great need of funds in addition to money for psychiatric beds designed to help and support both mothers and their infants in inpatient settings while they receive care. It’s time for all of us to collectively insure that woman who become pregnant and give birth while experiencing psychiatric syndromes have access to high quality inpatient and outpatient medical care as well cutting edge treatments proven to ameliorate symptoms.
Thank you so much for sharing this. These conversations need to be had and need to be more public. My heart hurts deeply for that entire family.
Thank you for bringing light and compassion to this issue.
Erin, as usual, your wisdom and empathy and honesty are inspiring. I was so, so lucky—despite having a husband suffering from depression himself, a job, and (with my second child) a 5-year-old (and no family living close by to help), I did not suffer PPD. But I encountered many friends and colleagues who did! So hard to even recognize and then to find appropriate treatment. Thank you for bringing attention to these issues and using this forum to remind your readers just how hard those years of mothering young children are.
Erin, may I just offer you a huge, heartfelt thank-you for using your vast network to share important information and perspectives like this one. I applaud you for your conviction to be vocal and to try and make a difference, despite those who ask you to “stay in your lane” or worse, those who criticize you or the very people you are trying to help. You are not afraid to lose a few followers — and that is exactly why you’ll keep gaining more.
How great that you were of this terrible diagnosis
You have done a wonderful thing in educating
your readers Thank you
This is a heartbreaking tragedy for everyone involved. Right here in Massachusetts, my very good friend started the Mass PPD Fund to address PPD and other PMADs by sharing resources, raising awareness, and facilitating training and advocacy. Please share and support her phenomenal work: http://www.massppdfund.org
I sincerely thank you for this post.
Thank you, so much, for writing about this.
Thank you for being so open with such a personal and private issue. As a reader, I know how desperately you wanted both your children and how hard you worked to make that happen. Thank god you were in the position to get all the help you needed to make it through this very dark time. So many do not have that support.
This is a terrible tragedy to happen to a family, a community and our world.
If anything at all can be called beautiful in this situation, your sentiments certainly are. It is a sad situation all the way around, but your comments and empathy were spot on. Thank you for putting it out there.
Thank you for posting this! It is absolutely unimaginable & I immediately thought… “what happens when she comes out of this psychosis & realizes what she has done??? It breaks my heart on all levels. Everyone is shattered in this family & community. Thank you for clearly stating what needs to be said over & over again.
Erin– I admire you for sharing such a difficult time in your life with your followers and others in order to educate people on this issue or Post Partum disorders. You just may save some from suffering in silence more than they should and perhaps save someone from the extraordinary pain this family is facing.
Well said. I also can’t stop thinking about it. I was deeply moved by the husband’s compassion and insight at his moment of greatest suffering and am praying for them all. I get upset and extremely saddened by hateful comments that blame the mother as a heartless killer and show no understanding for the difficult mental issues involved. You’re helping people to understand this form of psychosis and the more familiar post-partum depression, which is so important. Someone I loved did this to her two children and herself and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. That these things should happen is beyond horrific. Thanks for shining light in a dark place.
Thank you for using your platform to asking for empathy in a tragic situation. I had severe PPD following my first who was a preemie with medical issues. 39 years ago there wasn’t even recognition for the levels of illness. I lost my marriage and carry the stigma for that period of time. I recovered and found a new life surrounded by caring individuals. Her husband is amazing in an unimaginable situation. Thank you for continuing to shine lights on important issues to help mankind. We do not have a society if we do not start caring for each other, minimally trying to understand.
Thank you Erin for writing about this and expressing so eloquently what I am thinking and feeling. I remember being surprised with the survey asking how I am feeling which was not available at my prior afterbaby appts. My heart breaks for them and the fact that the husband is asking for forgiveness after his ongoing grief should be an example for us all.
Thank you for shining a light on this heartbreaking tawdry and sharing your own personal experience, and asking for compassion for this family whose lives are forever changed. Reaching out to family and friends with a hug or hello as you suggested can be so powerful!
Beautifully written. 100% agree.
I live in the Clancy’s community, and while I am not blessed (yet?) with babies of my own, I have thought of little but this tragedy since it happened. PLEASE, if you see or hear of anything beyond the GoFundMe, a way to get involved / advocate for on a political level, I beg you to share. I love that you’re not afraid to tackle the big topics – thank you for your candor and your compassion.
Beautifully and powerfully said. Thank you.
Thank you for broaching this topic. It is absolutely appalling how little care and love we as a country and culture give to our new mothers (and fathers). We must do better for the well-being of our society.
What a beautiful post. Thank you for taking the time to write it.
This is beautifully written and it made me see the situation very differently. I thank you for posting this.
I didn’t know exactly what had happened but guessed it was a tragedy of this sort! As always thank you for sharing and educating with grace and intelligence
Thank you so so much for sharing your story as well as your reach to help educate more and more people. For having the courage both to share and to have asked for help as you transcended all you did.
I also can’t think of a living hell worse than Lindsey’s scenario, next, her husband’s – who’s already found so much grace BECAUSE he knows how much she loved her children. There was a comment (unconfirmed) that said she was in a 5-day a week program and that he’d gone fully remote to support her – and even with, as you said, a great deal of privilege and resources, it still was this difficult to manage which goes to show exactly how complicated it is.
It amazes me that we can all look at computers and get pissed off at but also expect the spinning wheel and curse at but go get it fixed bc we need them to work for our purposes – but we don’t give our brains, our bodies, the same regard for glitching or getting stuck. A computer can be stuck but not an even more intricate brain? No one shames a computer for glitching. And yet a beautiful human being’s system experiences the equivalent of a spinning wheel…and they’re weak. Or awful. Is it bc we don’t fully understand it that we discount or shame or turn a blind eye as a humanity?
We’re all so desensitized to “humanness” – including and especially the humanness of things in our miraculous and exceptionally complex bodies going wrong. I wish we had the equivalent of a Geek Squad – not to make light of this in ANY way! The opposite. Why isn’t there accessible, on the spot help – more than a pamphlet and support groups – neither of which do anyone going through these things want to engage in initially if ever anyway – for these things at a cost that’s doable. Please share in bringing back humanness into humanity. Where are we all? Even those of us with compassion – complicit. Enabling somehow. Friends who make comments or work for places who expect moms back to work in three weeks. Quiet to the horror show of people as you said in the comments sections. What can any of us do at an individual level? Thank you again. Apologies for my soapbox. I’m with you. With Lindsay. With her husband. This feels like one of so many things where life itself is discounted in favor of other systems of greed and power and patriarchy – all of which seek to “win” at the very life they discount having.
I also suffered PPD after struggling to get pregnant. The guilt I felt with not bonding with this baby I wanted so much was unbearable. Luckily I got help, went on meds and it passed with time. I also live in Mass and this story has hit me like no other. Thank you for putting into words the compassion we must have for all involved! I pray that they can all find peace.
Thoughtful, compassionate, wise. Thank you.
Erin,
I just forwarded this to a dear friend who is a NP/Midwife and we have been having this same conversation. Thank you for this!
Cheryl
Thank you. I cannot get out of my head that she worked at one of the top hospitals in the nation, was likely getting treatment from some of the best programs/medical professionals out there, and this still happened. Our system is so broken. She was doing what she should do–getting help–and it wasn’t enough to prevent this horrific tragedy. As a mother and as a woman, this story has affected me (and every woman I’ve talked to about it) so deeply. I feel sick at the lack of empathy of those who can’t see how Lindsay is just as much a victim as anyone else involved. The Mass state police statement of “we will hold accountable the person responsible,” was so unfeeling and wrong. How about we hold the system accountable for not supporting a mother who so desperately loved her children and was incapable of overcoming her illness within the current bounds of our medical system? My heart breaks for them.
Thank you Erin.. Thank you for your post.
I suffered from PPD with my 4th child so badly it still makes me sick thinking about it. I have NEVER been so scared in my life. The only thought I had was that would rather die than feel like this the rest of my life.
Thankfully I was promptly put on medication and recovered slowly.
The Clancy family( all of them) will forever be in my heart.
Such a thoughtful reflection – thank you!
Super long time reader and very rare commenter. Hi
Very gracious and compassionate context, Erin.
Godspeed to each and everyone in this family and beyond. It starts with a safe place to talk and you’ve started an authentic ethos into a blueprint of how we can work together, not tear apart, when we are aghast and hurting at the human condition. Be well
Dana S
Dallas, TX
A tragedy this immense also puts any and all of my problems in perspective. Really, I have no problems compared to this family. There is no happy ending for them, there is no “closure” (that awful word), there is nothing but suffering. At best, they may find some way to live with what happened but the scars and horror are with them forever. I wish them peace and grace.
Beautifully written and heartfelt! You have so much empathy and compassion. Thank you…
So well said. Empathy is the only rational response. What a horrific situation for all involved.