45.

Wow – that number kind of does something to me, more so than other early 40’s birthdays have. It feels like this is the real threshold to “middle age” – perhaps the doorway to actually being “older” in the eyes of society (or maybe that’s just me projecting, which I do tend to do). Of course, age is just a number, but for women around my age, it can often be a lot more than that. In your 20’s and 30’s things just bounce off you – nights out, too many glasses of wine, a tough workout, a bad day, hell, a bad year. Mid-forties? Not so much.

I walk the line of wanting more, bigger, better and at the same time slower, smaller and quieter. Each day brings a different vigor for life – some days not a whole lot, others I jump out of bed ready to tackle whatever I have on my plate. One day I’ll crush a workout, another I’ll drag myself into the gym just to go through the motions. I find myself desiring both growing my business and career but also considering what it would be like to just stop and write for a living. The rise and fall of my moods, energy, desire, focus are all fluctuating wildly. And thanks to Instagram, we are all hit over the head with why that is every time we scroll through the app. #perimenopause

And while that may be true, and I’m sure it is playing a role, some of that up and down is also because I chose to have children later in life. My therapist pointed this out so wisely the other day – that not only am I in the early stages of hormone decline but ALSO the incredibly busy stage of having very young children at the same time. As well as a busy full time job. This is what they call being “in the weeds”, fully and truly- no wonder I’m feeling pulled in 300 directions and systemically dysregulated. It’s a lot all at once. But while I am deep in the weeds, I also find I am much calmer than I had been earlier in life. Things that would completely throw me for a loop, make me really anxious or fly off the handle now don’t quite trigger the same response anymore. I’m hoping that it’s because I’m a bit wiser and know now that very little is actually “the end of the world”- or maybe I just don’t have the energy to devote to a full blown anxiety attack or trip down overthinking lane. Who knows, but it’s one of the more positive things about getting older I’ve found. That and not trying to wear heinous early 90’s fashion again because I did it the first time around.

Does all that mean I’m throwing in the towel and embracing aging? No. I’m literally laughing writing this as I recall my now 20 step skincare routine, appointment to get my greys covered this week and increasing dermatologist bills. No, no- I shall not be going quietly into this good night quite yet, folks! I’m doing ALL THE THINGS to slow down father time- I’m not ready to no longer be seen as youthful- that freaks me out a bit. I know it’s a losing battle, one that I hope I feel more prepared to surrender to in time, but just not yet. Am I going to regiment my lifestyle to be so strict that I can’t have fun just so I can see my abs better? Not a chance. I’ll eat all my protein, but I’ll be having wine and fries with it sometimes too.

But aging is not just about looks and health, it’s about doing something that makes you feel valuable and happy. I’ve accomplished a lot in 45 years that I am so proud of, but I have some regrets too. I was so careful and measured in my youth, trying to be the perfect girl in every way possible. Scared to make a mistake, scared to do something without thinking it through a thousand times first, scared of the act of exploration. But I’m going to try really hard to do that a little more now. Life is hardly over at 45! In fact, when our friends asked us to go to Taylor Swift in London a couple months ago, I first went into my overthinking spiral and then I stopped myself, bought some insanely overpriced tickets and booked a hotel I’ve always wanted to stay at. I literally said, fuck it. It’s just money, I can make more. It may seem silly to you, but the act of just DOING that without making a pro-con list and making sure it was fiscally responsible is a pretty big start for me! This year I want to take more trips, experience more, worry less and be more grateful for what I have and have done.

So here’s to being “of a certain age”. Here’s to figuring out how best to take care of yourself and your people. Here’s to another year of getting to be alive (and what a time it is, folks!) Here’s to more adventure and less criticism. Here’s to red light masks and also smile lines. Here’s to learning to live with ease but also fighting until the end. Here’s to standing up for what’s right but also accepting when silence serves you best. Here’s to 45.